Oceans Apart

So I am sitting at my sister's house where she and her husband have graciously taken me in for the time being. I am still not eating much, have already lost quite a few pounds. I just can't do it...I am not hungry and somehow when I am hungry the pain kind of is the only thing that makes me feel alive.

I couldn't stay any longer where we were. He didn't want me there. He frankly told me that if I didn't leave it was only going to get worse. I am hoping that somehow he will see that I am not the cause of his unhappiness right now. If he would let me in, I could help him deal with whatever it is that is causing him to hate his life so much. I am not giving up on my marriage. In fact, getting on the plane to come back here was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I probably couldn't have done it if my sister had not come because even the day of the flight, I wanted to just stay in bed and cry.

I wrote him a letter before I left the hotel the night before I left the state, so he would know that I still love him and have always loved him. That I wish he would give us a chance to fix whatever it is that is causing this huge gap between us. I also wrote him some notes that I read to him on the way to the airport so that he would know that my coming here was not to be taken as me giving in to this situation but just a chance for us to try some space. I told him I didn't want a divorce and that I was there for him if he needed me. I also asked him not to be afraid to come back to me even after all this hurt if he realizes that he has made a mistake. He is still my one and only. I love him (the man inside of him that I married) with all my heart, and I know that he can come back to me if he just will deal with the issues that are haunting him.

For those friends and family that know, I have asked them not to think harshly of him even though they know what he is doing is killing me. I still love him and I still want to make this work. He is the love of my life.

I am not feeling any better about this and it feels like I am just on a visit right now...I don't want to make any decisions that might make me feel like I am making a permanent decision. I had to get some clothes today at the store because it is becoming cool here and I wasn't packed for cool since I thought I was going to be in another state for the next few years.

I am so numb right now and heartbroken. I feel like I am stuck in cement. Thankfully my sister has been keeping me busy and their hospitality has assured me that I am in no rush to figure anything out just now. I hope that I can be back with him in short time but I don't know how that will work if he won't talk to anyone. I am hoping to be able to email a friend that might have some answers for me. I don't know what else to do.