Last night after getting ready for bed, he dropped the big bomb on me. He wants to end our marriage of 18 years and without a bat of the eye. I couldn't get hold of any of my friends today after I cried all night long with him snoozing next to me because he doesn't seem to care a bit that he is killing a little bit of me each minute. I ended up having to call my mom and sister and both of them are heartbroken for me. My sister wants to get on a plane and come here as soon as she can. I think I might need her help to get out of here with the cat. Leaving seems so real though, and making that step is going to be hard for me....at that point, he will feel like a single guy again...and I will be the farthest thing from his mind.
I IMd with his mom this evening before he got home and she is shocked and I am sure most of his side of the family knows now. She said his Dad did the same thing to her and that I shouldn't trust him to take care of me financially. At this point, I don't know how much to trust him at all....I know the boy I fell in love with is hidden down somewhere inside of him....he keeps putting this all on me. Says I am not the girl he thought he was marrying...afraid to travel, not willing to have a career, not interested in athletics....I beg to differ....I have been playing soccer with active leagues until 3 years ago when we moved this last time. My career has always been difficult since he has a career that requires us to move frequently and then he is not home much so I have to take care of everything on my own. Lastly, I am not afraid to travel...I have developed in the last few years a bit of travel anxiety but I have some medication I take on those days and I am fine...he just doesn't want to admit that any of this is his fault...it is all me for some reason.
I feel like I am stuck....laid all day curled in bed with no food or water, just waking up to cry for a bit and then back to sleep. I can't function. If my sister comes out, I guess that will get me moving. We talked about how to split out our savings tonight but he is not wanting to help take care of me for a the months that we will still be married. I also told him that I don't want to be divorced...I am not sure if I can keep us from being divorced. I will agree to a legal separation at this point but I am not willing to get divorced right now....I hope I have some way to do that. I guess I won't be able to find out until I am back in my home state.
It makes me sad that my family and his family all think badly of him now but he brought this onto himself and the fact that he is just claiming that he doesn't love me anymore because I am not the same girl he thought I was marrying, doesn't wash for me. It has been almost 20 years since we were first married and of course we are both going to change. The fact that he wants to blame me for all of it is so typical. I talked to a friend on the phone this morning and he said for me to keep it in my brain that this is not my fault...it has been happening to lots of families he deals with and they all say the same thing...
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