I made up my mind a while back that I am headed back. I know that this has nothing (or very little) to do with me and is mostly something my husband is going through. It is something he has to go through on his own, but I feel like if my marriage is as important as I claim it is (and it is), then I owe it to myself, him and our marriage to try to be understanding and patient.
This does not mean I am planning to go be a doormat, but it does mean that I am not going to let anger get the best of me and cause me to make statements or decisions that would be detrimental to our relationship. I have plans for myself that he can be part of if he wants, but I am not going to be sitting around waiting for him to call me or see me. I will do the things I need to do, he will be invited to join me and the ball will be in his court.
I know that I contributed in a small way to this situation, and I am willing to own up to that and do what I can to fix it, but the majority of what is going on is due to stress, being apart too much, and what I think is a mid-life crisis on his part. All of this is workable...nothing has been broken (except my heart), and there is no reason we can't get past all of this.
I haven't figured out just yet if I am going to give him a big notice, small notice or no notice at all on my eminent return...all three have pros and cons. I am not a game player so my better judgement just says to be honest with him as things unfold and that is probably what I will do. There is a lot of logistics to be figured out but I am trying to think day by day and not let myself get bogged down in stuff I can't control right now.
So my focus is concentrate on the things I can control, and to do things that make me feel better (emotionally and physically). Yesterday I started on a plan to improve some phyical things that I know will help me feel better in general. It is all superficial stuff but sometimes that is the boost a person's self esteem needs to get the ball rolling and I am willing to do whatever I have to get our lives back on track.
I have realized in the last few days that even though I am the one that has been hurt the most, I am also the strongest. I am not giving up or taking the easy way out and if I have to hold onto our love for the both of us for the time being, I will.
