Catching Up

I was checking on my blogs today and realized it has been a while since I have updated things here.

Emotionally and physically things are pretty much the same. I am the only one that ever hears from him and it is only when he needs something from me business-wise. He hasn't spoken to anyone in his family since 2012 but at least I still know he is alive and kicking.

Some days, it really ticks me off how inconsiderate he is being and how patient I am being but then I can only control the way I react to things and not how he is behaving.

I will always love him. I don't see my life with anyone else, he is my one and only but I am also aware that this means I might be alone for the rest of my life, which isn't necessarily what I want.

I had a dream about him the other day...it was so real. Reminded me of one I had a long time ago when he was on a trip and I thought he was injured. This dream felt just like that. I kept telling myself that I was just dreaming but I couldn't wake myself up from it either and that was very unsettling. He was so sorry and so sad and it made my heart hurt for him.

I know that down deep, he is in pain...but I also know that he is pushing it so far down so he doesn't feel it.

Wish He Would See This

This is great. I emailed it to him today. Wish I would hear from him. No one has heard from him in almost a year..I hope he is okay.

Still love him with all my heart and still not giving up on him.

Perfect Words

This song from Pink has exactly the right words for me right now.

Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I, your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
Now you've been talking in your sleep
Oh, oh, things you never say to me
Oh, oh, tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh, we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear, we still have everythin'
And it's all in your mind
(Yeah, but this is happenin')
You've been havin' real bad dreams
Oh, oh, you used to lie so close to me
Oh, oh, there's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Oh, our love, our love
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I never stopped
You're still written in the scars on my heart
You're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Oh, tear ducts and rust
I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust
But our love's enough
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No, nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, that we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Feeling

Today, I was laying down for a couple of minutes for one of those quick rainy afternoon naps and I was just on the edge of sleep and I had a dream about my love.

I totally felt his hand in mine and his lips kiss me. It made me miss him so much.

I wish he would tell me what is going on with him and that I could help him in some way. I am so afraid that the changes in him are going to be permanent and there will no way to get the man I love back.

Maturity

While many in my inner circle probably don't understand how I am living my life day to day, this quote explains it very well. I am trying to be the wife I promised to be, so that at the end of the day, I have no regrets and I know I did everything I could...for better or worse.

I know that he is not hurting me because he is an ass, he is hurting me because he is hurting and being the closest thing to him, I am in the direct line of fire.

Hopeful

Guess mine is not the first heart broken
My eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know
There's just no getting over you
You know, I'm just a fool who's willing
To sit around and wait for you
But baby can't you see
There's nothing else for me to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

But now there's nowhere to hide
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm out of my head
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you

My head is saying "Fool, forget him"
My heart is saying "Don't let go"
Hold on 'till the end
That's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

But now there's nowhere to hide
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm out of my head
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

Lyrics from Grease

Another Blindside

Today, I got a bit of wake up call. I haven't heard from my one of my "inner circle" in a while and I have emailed twice thinking that perhaps she was irritated with me because I didn't take her advice. I still haven't gotten a response and while texting with another "inner circle" member, I found out that several of them have been apparently discussing me behind my back and don't agree with my choice to stick things out for now and that is why I haven't heard from them.

This news couldn't come at a worse time for me...full moon tonight and emotions are high so I am trying to not react badly, but I have burst into tears several times today just thinking about it. I removed several of them from my "inner circle". I don't want to burden people that don't want to be burdened and it is definitely within their rights to not agree with me but it is also within my rights to not agree with them. Reality is, normally, I don't share private stuff with anyone, but when this all came down originally, if I had not reached out, I would have died...quite literally. This always made me uncomfortable, but it was what it was. I also always knew that at some point, I would not be able to talk about it with anyone anymore because they would get sick of it. Nobody wants anyone else's troubles for very long. Now I am sorry that I confided in any of them.

What they don't seem to understand, and perhaps this is because they feel differently about their relationships than I do (which is their prerogative), is that regardless if I push to "make official" anything with my husband, or I sit and believe that our marriage means something and that it can be salvaged...it wouldn't change my current situation. I would still be here alone, heartbroken and going about the same tasks I have to tackle each and every day. The ONLY thing that would be different would be that I would be "officially" giving up on the one thing in my whole world that I have ever believed in. I would be wondering each day if I had failed myself, my husband and our marriage, and I would be way worse off than I am at this moment.

I know that they look at me and think that if I were just to pull the plug on my 20+ year marriage, I could meet someone new and move on...problem is...THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. If I pull the plug on my marriage, all I am doing is guaranteeing myself of a life of loneliness. I will never be in another relationship, I will never trust another living soul with my heart like I have my husband. I will never allow myself to ever be close to another person like I was with him. It is just not who I am.

I have really felt like a girl looking at life from the outside in lately...not sure what to do with that. I can't talk to most of my family about this, and now most of my friends either. Guess it is a good thing I journal or I would be up shit creek.

There are some scary times on the horizon and I guess I am facing most of it alone (my one close friend that I can still talk to about anything is moving to another country soon so I think our contact is going to be very limited). I have perfected the smile of someone that is fine but really isn't and responding with "Fine", when asked how I am doing.

Postcard Quote

Sent this to him:

"She is an optimist still, believes in true love, magic and soul mates. She is waiting for you and if you don't come back from this, you will change who she is forever."

I don't know if he is receiving mail right now (might not be in the area to get it) but I have to try to keep the lines of communication open.

Great Quote About Love

"When you love someone that much, for that long, no matter how far you go, you can never get away from them. And that is once in a lifetime" -Benjamin Mead, We Bought A Zoo

This explains my whole rational towards my husband and our life together. You don't throw away a lifetime. Even though it seems like he is doing that, I have to be the strength right now and stick to what my heart tells me what to do. I couldn't live with myself otherwise.

Fall Update

These past few months have been pretty hard. Part of it is hormonal/tidal but at the same time, it is just a matter of me being able to keep it down better on some days than others. I am still wrecked and broken and that isn't going to change any time soon, if ever. I am still trying to keep the anger at bay when it rears its head, and not take all of it personally.

Part of what makes this hard, is being in our house, doing the kinds of things we normally would do together and having no input or support from him. It really feels like none of us are even on his mind at all, and if we are, it is only with anger. Fall is upon us and I am trying to get all the outdoor stuff done that I need to do before it gets too cold.

I had to send him a note a few days back because our taxes and insurance are coming up on the house. I have not heard anything but reality is that I can't afford to do it alone along with all the other things I am covering right now. I hope I hear back from him.

I still love him with all my heart, and miss him terribly. He is my one and only and always will be. I hope that his heart and mind heal soon so we can get our lives back on track.

Missing Him

I guess things have changed a bit since the last time I posted here. I have moved to our house in our home town and am trying to fix things up (there was some damage) and get working. I don't know if it will help things with him or not, but it feels like the only "move" I can make that is good for me and doesn't feel like a step away from him or our life. I am barely treading water financially so I really need to get on the job thing as soon as possible.

Some things have happened recently that really have cemented in my head the fact that this is not about me but truly about him. He is detached from our whole family and I know he must be hurting and lonely but can't seem to get past whatever is going on with him to connect with any of us. I am trying to not get angry when the anger rises. I know I shouldn't take things personal either, but I do at times because it hurts so much to not have him communicating with me. He is my best friend and the only person I want to spend time with and it is just so hard some times.

I am very worried about him and his disconnection being a permanent thing but I can't control anything but my own actions. He has to want help from me (or someone) before anyone can help him. I know he is scared but he has to trust all of us that we are here for him and that whatever he is going through it not something that is going to drive any of us away from him.

So I guess things are basically the same emotionally but physically I am trying to better things for both of us.

Wow

She's Broken

Wind

The wind has been taken out of my sails a little bit. I had this plan (even though I wasn't really moving on it) and now that plan is kind of shot to hell. I am not giving up, but I am pretty sure I am not moving to where he is, mostly because he won't be there, and because he might be moving soon too and that kind of limits me in how long I could be there and really get any kind of good work experience before having to quit and move. It just seems like it would be a waste of money to move there, and if he isn't going to be there either, than it is also a waste of time and experience options as well.

At least that is what my logical brain tells me and I wonder right now if my logical brain isn't the one I should be listening to. He said a few things on the phone which I am of course going over and over. One of them was "I thought you were stronger than this"...there is no good answer for this...because I feel like I am being strong by believing in him and believing in our marriage.

His callous, selfish, cocky personality is allowing him to convince himself of all kinds of crazy things, probably so he can sleep at night for all that he has done to me. I can't believe that he truly believes all the crap he says. It just blows me away when I think about some of it but then my insecure self hears some of it play over and over in my head to the point of believing that I am this pathetic, weak girl that can't live without him.

I can live without him...survive, but it isn't the life I planned for or want. I don't want a life with this angry, cocky, selfish person either. I know that this is not him...he is protecting himself from something and somehow I am the biggest victim. I can't believe that he truly doesn't know me better and that I don't know him better. He has rewritten history in his mind to justify his behavior but I don't buy that he really thinks any of this...it is a cover.

Thing is, there is nothing I can do to get him face this, or even try to change back to the person I know. He has to do this on his own and he has to want to do this. I can only focus on me and doing what I need to do at this point and hope that he knows (which I know he does) that I love him and believe in him and want him to be okay. I am his friend, always will be and he will always be the love of my life.

Confusion

So, I actually talked to him on the phone yesterday for the first time in 18 months. I wasn't expecting him to answer the phone but he did, and we talked for a long time. He claims that he still doesn't love me and that he still wants to end our marriage and he is just waiting for me to tell him that I agree to sign papers, which I told him I won't do.

He wasn't cruel this time, like he was last time I spoke to him, but he wasn't friendly either. I asked him a lot of the questions I have been wanting to ask him for the last year, some of them he had answers for, and some he didn't. He still tried to put most of this on me but he also said that he changed. He said he didn't believe in a lot of the same things he used to believe in but when I asked him how come he didn't tell me any of this as it was happening to him he didn't have an answer. We didn't address any of the horrible things he said to me before I had to leave, but I know that the man I love has to be completely ashamed of what was said.

I asked him how he could just cut me out of his life like the last 20 years haven't happened, and he didn't have an answer for that either.

This conversation wasn't a surprise to me, I figured as much, even if I had seen him face to face. I knew that nothing would have changed with him because his behavior is still the stranger that our family doesn't know. I have no idea if this is a permanent condition for him...if the man I love is gone forever or not but I am not at a point where I can agree to end my marriage. It would just be too damaging for me as a person and I am just not there yet, but I think that I have decided that I am not going to pursue trying to help or fix him right now.

He told me he wasn't going to be around for the next few months and that after that, he would be gone for an extended trip so moving to where he is might just be a huge waste of money since I would only probably be there for a short period of time and then if he isn't there too, it kind of defeats part of the reason I would be going there. I haven't decided fully on that, but I am leaning towards that from our conversation yesterday. I don't know if I would even get to see him at all if I was there.

He says that he is 100% sure that our relationship is over. He doesn't have any of the feelings he should have as a husband for me and he just feels like he is better off alone. He thinks that marriage is just a financial partnership, and doesn't believe in any of the vows that come along with it any longer. He was very flippant about things like his words weren't cutting me deep. There were a couple of times though that I heard the old version of him in his voice and it made me miss him so much...he said at one time in the conversation, that he thought my hobbies would make my life full without him....who says that? Hobbies don't make a life!

Honestly, I don't believe any of the crap he said. I mean, I believe that he believes he doesn't have any feelings, but I still think that he is going through some kind of crisis. Whether he will come through this crisis as the honorable, loyal man full of integrity that I married is another question altogether. He sounded so cold and unfeeling about everything...saying something about that he doesn't want anything, just whatever he can fit in the bag he has there with him.

So, like I have been saying all along, I am going to focus on the things I can control. I am going to focus on me and doing what I have to make my life full and busy and try not to worry about him or think about him as much as I can. I am probably going to focus on getting work here or near our hometown perhaps, so that I don't waste a bunch of money moving to a new state.

Some of the scabs of the wounds he created are open again, and I feel sad, vulnerable and lonely...but I am trying to work through it and keep my eye on the big picture. For now, I am just going to sit back and wait...however, I think I am going to stop trying to communicate with him much other than financial business we have to do. My purpose for doing that was to keep my presence in his life, but I think that he doesn't notice it and if he is not in a place for a while where he can get phone calls or texts, then the contact with him will be very limited anyhow.

I still feel as if he is my one and only. I will never feel this way or allow myself to feel this way about another person....not when hurting like this is an option. I have not given up on him or our marriage, I am just reassessing my position on location and work.