Today, I got a bit of wake up call. I haven't heard from my one of my "inner circle" in a while and I have emailed twice thinking that perhaps she was irritated with me because I didn't take her advice. I still haven't gotten a response and while texting with another "inner circle" member, I found out that several of them have been apparently discussing me behind my back and don't agree with my choice to stick things out for now and that is why I haven't heard from them.
This news couldn't come at a worse time for me...full moon tonight and emotions are high so I am trying to not react badly, but I have burst into tears several times today just thinking about it. I removed several of them from my "inner circle". I don't want to burden people that don't want to be burdened and it is definitely within their rights to not agree with me but it is also within my rights to not agree with them. Reality is, normally, I don't share private stuff with anyone, but when this all came down originally, if I had not reached out, I would have died...quite literally. This always made me uncomfortable, but it was what it was. I also always knew that at some point, I would not be able to talk about it with anyone anymore because they would get sick of it. Nobody wants anyone else's troubles for very long. Now I am sorry that I confided in any of them.
What they don't seem to understand, and perhaps this is because they feel differently about their relationships than I do (which is their prerogative), is that regardless if I push to "make official" anything with my husband, or I sit and believe that our marriage means something and that it can be salvaged...it wouldn't change my current situation. I would still be here alone, heartbroken and going about the same tasks I have to tackle each and every day. The ONLY thing that would be different would be that I would be "officially" giving up on the one thing in my whole world that I have ever believed in. I would be wondering each day if I had failed myself, my husband and our marriage, and I would be way worse off than I am at this moment.
I know that they look at me and think that if I were just to pull the plug on my 20+ year marriage, I could meet someone new and move on...problem is...THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. If I pull the plug on my marriage, all I am doing is guaranteeing myself of a life of loneliness. I will never be in another relationship, I will never trust another living soul with my heart like I have my husband. I will never allow myself to ever be close to another person like I was with him. It is just not who I am.
I have really felt like a girl looking at life from the outside in lately...not sure what to do with that. I can't talk to most of my family about this, and now most of my friends either. Guess it is a good thing I journal or I would be up shit creek.
There are some scary times on the horizon and I guess I am facing most of it alone (my one close friend that I can still talk to about anything is moving to another country soon so I think our contact is going to be very limited). I have perfected the smile of someone that is fine but really isn't and responding with "Fine", when asked how I am doing.
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