08 October 2011

Journaling

I started journaling in my regular hardbound journal again. I haven't written in it in a very long time (minus putting in a short note about a death in the family). I haven't wanted any of what I am going through right now to be in that journal and it was one of the things he made fun of me about before I left. Like I mentioned in my journal, I haven't stopped writing in general, I had just stopped writing there.

So last night, I picked it up again. I might not put anything in there specifically about what has happened this last year but at least I feel like I need to recap my days. I am reading the journal of someone else and that is what has inspired me to get back to mine. Even the mundane days are in need of recaping.

On another note, I did tell him I was coming back. He hasn't responded. I have been formulating a letter to him in my brain over the last few days since he is not responding to emails at all and I don't think his cell phone is turned on right now. I just want to give him a idea of where my brain is at, so hopefully we can be on the same page when I get there. Whether he is in agreement will be something to see, but I want to feel like I am being honest and forthcoming about everything.

Anyhow, I need to get going, have to get ready for bed and still need to write a bit in my journal.

03 September 2011

Decisions And Outlook

I made up my mind a while back that I am headed back. I know that this has nothing (or very little) to do with me and is mostly something my husband is going through. It is something he has to go through on his own, but I feel like if my marriage is as important as I claim it is (and it is), then I owe it to myself, him and our marriage to try to be understanding and patient.

This does not mean I am planning to go be a doormat, but it does mean that I am not going to let anger get the best of me and cause me to make statements or decisions that would be detrimental to our relationship. I have plans for myself that he can be part of if he wants, but I am not going to be sitting around waiting for him to call me or see me. I will do the things I need to do, he will be invited to join me and the ball will be in his court.

I know that I contributed in a small way to this situation, and I am willing to own up to that and do what I can to fix it, but the majority of what is going on is due to stress, being apart too much, and what I think is a mid-life crisis on his part. All of this is workable...nothing has been broken (except my heart), and there is no reason we can't get past all of this.

I haven't figured out just yet if I am going to give him a big notice, small notice or no notice at all on my eminent return...all three have pros and cons. I am not a game player so my better judgement just says to be honest with him as things unfold and that is probably what I will do. There is a lot of logistics to be figured out but I am trying to think day by day and not let myself get bogged down in stuff I can't control right now.

So my focus is concentrate on the things I can control, and to do things that make me feel better (emotionally and physically). Yesterday I started on a plan to improve some phyical things that I know will help me feel better in general. It is all superficial stuff but sometimes that is the boost a person's self esteem needs to get the ball rolling and I am willing to do whatever I have to get our lives back on track.

I have realized in the last few days that even though I am the one that has been hurt the most, I am also the strongest. I am not giving up or taking the easy way out and if I have to hold onto our love for the both of us for the time being, I will.

16 July 2011

Hurt

It has been a tough week, and it hurts a lot that I haven't heard from him. I don't know what has happened to him that he isn't the person I know and love right now because the one I know and love would make contact this week. It is hard to keep the faith, I feel my brain going in overdrive trying to figure out what he is thinking and I keep having to tell myself to "concentrate on what I can control". I want to give him this space and time to figure out whatever is going on with him, but I miss and love him so much, it is hard for me to keep the distance up.

He is the one I think of when something happens and want to share it. He is the one I dream of at night. He is the one that I have in my brain and in my heart every second of every day, and I HATE the distance....it is killing me a little bit everyday and I am not sure how many bits of me are left.

I saw a couple of pictures of myself from last weekend, and I look chubby and I hate it...I have to get on the stick with my eating...part of my brain (the body image distortion part of my brain) tells me to just stop eating for a few days and I'll lose the weight, and the other part (the smart part) tells me that if I stop eating, not only will I slow down my metabolism, I will also make myself suseptible to getting sick, and I can't afford to be sick right now. So I just need to up the workouts and limit the eating to low fat balanced foods. I can do that, I don't eat junk so it shouldn't be that hard...

I need to hit balls...going to be golfing with family in a few weeks and really need to get some practice in. It has been ages...partly because it is expensive and my finances are very tight, but also because it is something he and I do together and it will be hard to go do it on my own...although right now I do pretty much everything on my own, so I guess I should be used to it, but I am not.

Lastly, I miss her. I miss knowing she is here waiting for me, and I can't get the picture out of my brain of the last time I saw her. I don't believe in heaven but if I did, it would be for animals only...and I would hope that she would be there.

30 June 2011

Figuring Things Out

It has been a while since I have written here.

So I am still living in a temporary life...not at my sister's anymore but still temporary. I actually am getting ready to head back and face the fact that nothing is going to be fixed as long as there is all this space. Another thing I need to change is the fact that I am not journaling at all. I am writing daily but none of it is journal as I think mentally, I just can't face writing about this in my journal.

I started reading this book that not only makes me feel like I am not the only one in the world going through this, it reaffirms my beliefs in the approach I am taking to this whole thing. I don't believe this is about me. This is about him and what he is going through. I believe in my marriage and my vows and I am not going to give up even if that means I have to look like a desparate fool. In the end, if we end up fixing things and happier than we have been in the past, it will have been worth it. I don't care what anyone else thinks, this is my life.

I am taking an exercise class to keep in shape, and two community ed classes to help with my job hunt and my desire to someday write something and get paid for it. These are not me moving on, they are just me trying to figure out the best way to become employed and get my life back. That is my goal...getting my life back...

28 February 2011

What It Means

Little story I wrote and sent to him in the mail last month

On a beautiful sunny day in July of 1992, a man and a woman made a pledge in front of all their friends and family and whatever superior being there may or may not be, to love each other for the rest of their lives. They gave each other rings to symbolize this promise. They made this promise for the times with no money and for those with plenty. They made this promise for the amazing times ahead and for the rougher ones. They made this promise knowing that things would never be perfect but that together, they could get through anything. They knew that there would be times of sickness and times of health but that they would honor, cherish and love each other through it all. They did this because they loved each other, and they believed in that love and believed in each other. They believed in being partners for the rest of their lives, and knew that it wouldn't always be as easy as it was on that day, but that their love was once in a lifetime and that if they just trusted in that, they would be happy together forever even if sometimes is seemed like they wouldn't.

Years went by, and they did have times of no money, and sickness. They had times of loneliness and frustration. They moved around the world together, experiencing some amazing things while trading that with time near friends and family. They spent a lot of time apart because of career decisions, but they managed to stay connected in whatever way was possible. They each had to make hard choices and sacrifices to be together but it was worth it for the same reasons it was worth it on that beautiful day in July. Being together, even if it was only emotionally for a lot of the time, was worth all they had to give up because they loved each other and knew and trusted that they were partners in this crazy but amazing life.

As those years went by though, they also had great adventures and travels. They experienced things together that they didn't want or need to share with anyone else in the world. They also had times of health, and plenty of money. They had times where they could spend all day together doing everything or doing nothing. They talked about how lucky they were to have found each other. They made plans for their future together when they wouldn't have to spend so much time apart. They loved, and laughed, and enjoyed the life they had chosen together in spite of the sacrifices.

Many years down the road, something happened to the man. His job was requiring him to be away from the woman more than ever. His life started to have a lot of worries that he wasn't sharing with the woman anymore. They weren't communicating like they always had, working things out together. He started to feel like he was being taken advantage of by the woman and by the others in his life. He was not home very much so the man and the woman rarely had time to talk, love, laugh and reconnect like they had in the past. The man shut her out of his life emotionally.

She felt that he was moving away from her but didn't know how to fix it. She didn't want to make his life harder than it already was, especially when he was away so she kept things as normal as she could, riding out the tough time. She remembered all those things she promised on that day in July and knew that this was just one of those rough times they had promised to get through together. She waited, knowing that soon enough, they would have time together to love, laugh, experience, and get back to where they always had been in the past. She knew that he would share with her his worries and they would be able to get back to their amazing partnership soon. All she had to do was wait.

Suddenly their lives changed. The time she thought they would have together was gone. The man had shut her out of his heart and his head. He would not let her back in no matter how much she begged and pleaded with him. He would not talk to her. He gave her back his ring and broke her heart into a million pieces. He took all the things that she loved about him and hid them from her. He made fun of her, called her names and threatened to hurt her. He pushed her away from his heart so hard that she fell down a big black hole with no way out. She shattered.

She knew that some things were going on with him that he just wouldn't share with her. He was struggling with demons she just didn't know about. Perhaps something big had happened to him while he was away one time and it was something he was trying to bury deep inside of himself. Unfortunately it was not working, it was eating him up. Perhaps he was scared or worried about their future. Perhaps he saw himself growing older and wasn't ready for it. Perhaps he felt that by pushing the woman away, he was saving her from something he didn't want her to see, but what he didn't realize was that she made a promise, a promise for life to be there for him, to love him, to help him, to be his partner. She wasn't going to disappear, she wasn't going away…..she would be there for him. She would help him through whatever it was that he was going through. She would love him in spite of the way he broke her heart. She hoped with all her being that he could see this and that he would let her help him, love him, and be there for him. She had made a promise. So she wore their rings for the both of them, and she waited.