Perfect Words

This song from Pink has exactly the right words for me right now.

Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I, your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
Now you've been talking in your sleep
Oh, oh, things you never say to me
Oh, oh, tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh, we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear, we still have everythin'
And it's all in your mind
(Yeah, but this is happenin')
You've been havin' real bad dreams
Oh, oh, you used to lie so close to me
Oh, oh, there's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Oh, our love, our love
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I never stopped
You're still written in the scars on my heart
You're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Oh, tear ducts and rust
I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust
But our love's enough
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No, nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, that we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Feeling

Today, I was laying down for a couple of minutes for one of those quick rainy afternoon naps and I was just on the edge of sleep and I had a dream about my love.

I totally felt his hand in mine and his lips kiss me. It made me miss him so much.

I wish he would tell me what is going on with him and that I could help him in some way. I am so afraid that the changes in him are going to be permanent and there will no way to get the man I love back.

Maturity

While many in my inner circle probably don't understand how I am living my life day to day, this quote explains it very well. I am trying to be the wife I promised to be, so that at the end of the day, I have no regrets and I know I did everything I could...for better or worse.

I know that he is not hurting me because he is an ass, he is hurting me because he is hurting and being the closest thing to him, I am in the direct line of fire.

Hopeful

Guess mine is not the first heart broken
My eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know
There's just no getting over you
You know, I'm just a fool who's willing
To sit around and wait for you
But baby can't you see
There's nothing else for me to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

But now there's nowhere to hide
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm out of my head
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you

My head is saying "Fool, forget him"
My heart is saying "Don't let go"
Hold on 'till the end
That's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

But now there's nowhere to hide
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm out of my head
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

Lyrics from Grease

Another Blindside

Today, I got a bit of wake up call. I haven't heard from my one of my "inner circle" in a while and I have emailed twice thinking that perhaps she was irritated with me because I didn't take her advice. I still haven't gotten a response and while texting with another "inner circle" member, I found out that several of them have been apparently discussing me behind my back and don't agree with my choice to stick things out for now and that is why I haven't heard from them.

This news couldn't come at a worse time for me...full moon tonight and emotions are high so I am trying to not react badly, but I have burst into tears several times today just thinking about it. I removed several of them from my "inner circle". I don't want to burden people that don't want to be burdened and it is definitely within their rights to not agree with me but it is also within my rights to not agree with them. Reality is, normally, I don't share private stuff with anyone, but when this all came down originally, if I had not reached out, I would have died...quite literally. This always made me uncomfortable, but it was what it was. I also always knew that at some point, I would not be able to talk about it with anyone anymore because they would get sick of it. Nobody wants anyone else's troubles for very long. Now I am sorry that I confided in any of them.

What they don't seem to understand, and perhaps this is because they feel differently about their relationships than I do (which is their prerogative), is that regardless if I push to "make official" anything with my husband, or I sit and believe that our marriage means something and that it can be salvaged...it wouldn't change my current situation. I would still be here alone, heartbroken and going about the same tasks I have to tackle each and every day. The ONLY thing that would be different would be that I would be "officially" giving up on the one thing in my whole world that I have ever believed in. I would be wondering each day if I had failed myself, my husband and our marriage, and I would be way worse off than I am at this moment.

I know that they look at me and think that if I were just to pull the plug on my 20+ year marriage, I could meet someone new and move on...problem is...THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. If I pull the plug on my marriage, all I am doing is guaranteeing myself of a life of loneliness. I will never be in another relationship, I will never trust another living soul with my heart like I have my husband. I will never allow myself to ever be close to another person like I was with him. It is just not who I am.

I have really felt like a girl looking at life from the outside in lately...not sure what to do with that. I can't talk to most of my family about this, and now most of my friends either. Guess it is a good thing I journal or I would be up shit creek.

There are some scary times on the horizon and I guess I am facing most of it alone (my one close friend that I can still talk to about anything is moving to another country soon so I think our contact is going to be very limited). I have perfected the smile of someone that is fine but really isn't and responding with "Fine", when asked how I am doing.

Postcard Quote

Sent this to him:

"She is an optimist still, believes in true love, magic and soul mates. She is waiting for you and if you don't come back from this, you will change who she is forever."

I don't know if he is receiving mail right now (might not be in the area to get it) but I have to try to keep the lines of communication open.