She's Broken
23 February 2012
18 February 2012
Wind
The wind has been taken out of my sails a little bit. I had this plan (even though I wasn't really moving on it) and now that plan is kind of shot to hell. I am not giving up, but I am pretty sure I am not moving to where he is, mostly because he won't be there, and because he might be moving soon too and that kind of limits me in how long I could be there and really get any kind of good work experience before having to quit and move. It just seems like it would be a waste of money to move there, and if he isn't going to be there either, than it is also a waste of time and experience options as well.
At least that is what my logical brain tells me and I wonder right now if my logical brain isn't the one I should be listening to. He said a few things on the phone which I am of course going over and over. One of them was "I thought you were stronger than this"...there is no good answer for this...because I feel like I am being strong by believing in him and believing in our marriage.
His callous, selfish, cocky personality is allowing him to convince himself of all kinds of crazy things, probably so he can sleep at night for all that he has done to me. I can't believe that he truly believes all the crap he says. It just blows me away when I think about some of it but then my insecure self hears some of it play over and over in my head to the point of believing that I am this pathetic, weak girl that can't live without him.
I can live without him...survive, but it isn't the life I planned for or want. I don't want a life with this angry, cocky, selfish person either. I know that this is not him...he is protecting himself from something and somehow I am the biggest victim. I can't believe that he truly doesn't know me better and that I don't know him better. He has rewritten history in his mind to justify his behavior but I don't buy that he really thinks any of this...it is a cover.
Thing is, there is nothing I can do to get him face this, or even try to change back to the person I know. He has to do this on his own and he has to want to do this. I can only focus on me and doing what I need to do at this point and hope that he knows (which I know he does) that I love him and believe in him and want him to be okay. I am his friend, always will be and he will always be the love of my life.
At least that is what my logical brain tells me and I wonder right now if my logical brain isn't the one I should be listening to. He said a few things on the phone which I am of course going over and over. One of them was "I thought you were stronger than this"...there is no good answer for this...because I feel like I am being strong by believing in him and believing in our marriage.
His callous, selfish, cocky personality is allowing him to convince himself of all kinds of crazy things, probably so he can sleep at night for all that he has done to me. I can't believe that he truly believes all the crap he says. It just blows me away when I think about some of it but then my insecure self hears some of it play over and over in my head to the point of believing that I am this pathetic, weak girl that can't live without him.
I can live without him...survive, but it isn't the life I planned for or want. I don't want a life with this angry, cocky, selfish person either. I know that this is not him...he is protecting himself from something and somehow I am the biggest victim. I can't believe that he truly doesn't know me better and that I don't know him better. He has rewritten history in his mind to justify his behavior but I don't buy that he really thinks any of this...it is a cover.
Thing is, there is nothing I can do to get him face this, or even try to change back to the person I know. He has to do this on his own and he has to want to do this. I can only focus on me and doing what I need to do at this point and hope that he knows (which I know he does) that I love him and believe in him and want him to be okay. I am his friend, always will be and he will always be the love of my life.
16 February 2012
Confusion
So, I actually talked to him on the phone yesterday for the first time in 18 months. I wasn't expecting him to answer the phone but he did, and we talked for a long time. He claims that he still doesn't love me and that he still wants to end our marriage and he is just waiting for me to tell him that I agree to sign papers, which I told him I won't do.
He wasn't cruel this time, like he was last time I spoke to him, but he wasn't friendly either. I asked him a lot of the questions I have been wanting to ask him for the last year, some of them he had answers for, and some he didn't. He still tried to put most of this on me but he also said that he changed. He said he didn't believe in a lot of the same things he used to believe in but when I asked him how come he didn't tell me any of this as it was happening to him he didn't have an answer. We didn't address any of the horrible things he said to me before I had to leave, but I know that the man I love has to be completely ashamed of what was said.
I asked him how he could just cut me out of his life like the last 20 years haven't happened, and he didn't have an answer for that either.
This conversation wasn't a surprise to me, I figured as much, even if I had seen him face to face. I knew that nothing would have changed with him because his behavior is still the stranger that our family doesn't know. I have no idea if this is a permanent condition for him...if the man I love is gone forever or not but I am not at a point where I can agree to end my marriage. It would just be too damaging for me as a person and I am just not there yet, but I think that I have decided that I am not going to pursue trying to help or fix him right now.
He told me he wasn't going to be around for the next few months and that after that, he would be gone for an extended trip so moving to where he is might just be a huge waste of money since I would only probably be there for a short period of time and then if he isn't there too, it kind of defeats part of the reason I would be going there. I haven't decided fully on that, but I am leaning towards that from our conversation yesterday. I don't know if I would even get to see him at all if I was there.
He says that he is 100% sure that our relationship is over. He doesn't have any of the feelings he should have as a husband for me and he just feels like he is better off alone. He thinks that marriage is just a financial partnership, and doesn't believe in any of the vows that come along with it any longer. He was very flippant about things like his words weren't cutting me deep. There were a couple of times though that I heard the old version of him in his voice and it made me miss him so much...he said at one time in the conversation, that he thought my hobbies would make my life full without him....who says that? Hobbies don't make a life!
Honestly, I don't believe any of the crap he said. I mean, I believe that he believes he doesn't have any feelings, but I still think that he is going through some kind of crisis. Whether he will come through this crisis as the honorable, loyal man full of integrity that I married is another question altogether. He sounded so cold and unfeeling about everything...saying something about that he doesn't want anything, just whatever he can fit in the bag he has there with him.
So, like I have been saying all along, I am going to focus on the things I can control. I am going to focus on me and doing what I have to make my life full and busy and try not to worry about him or think about him as much as I can. I am probably going to focus on getting work here or near our hometown perhaps, so that I don't waste a bunch of money moving to a new state.
Some of the scabs of the wounds he created are open again, and I feel sad, vulnerable and lonely...but I am trying to work through it and keep my eye on the big picture. For now, I am just going to sit back and wait...however, I think I am going to stop trying to communicate with him much other than financial business we have to do. My purpose for doing that was to keep my presence in his life, but I think that he doesn't notice it and if he is not in a place for a while where he can get phone calls or texts, then the contact with him will be very limited anyhow.
I still feel as if he is my one and only. I will never feel this way or allow myself to feel this way about another person....not when hurting like this is an option. I have not given up on him or our marriage, I am just reassessing my position on location and work.
He wasn't cruel this time, like he was last time I spoke to him, but he wasn't friendly either. I asked him a lot of the questions I have been wanting to ask him for the last year, some of them he had answers for, and some he didn't. He still tried to put most of this on me but he also said that he changed. He said he didn't believe in a lot of the same things he used to believe in but when I asked him how come he didn't tell me any of this as it was happening to him he didn't have an answer. We didn't address any of the horrible things he said to me before I had to leave, but I know that the man I love has to be completely ashamed of what was said.
I asked him how he could just cut me out of his life like the last 20 years haven't happened, and he didn't have an answer for that either.
This conversation wasn't a surprise to me, I figured as much, even if I had seen him face to face. I knew that nothing would have changed with him because his behavior is still the stranger that our family doesn't know. I have no idea if this is a permanent condition for him...if the man I love is gone forever or not but I am not at a point where I can agree to end my marriage. It would just be too damaging for me as a person and I am just not there yet, but I think that I have decided that I am not going to pursue trying to help or fix him right now.
He told me he wasn't going to be around for the next few months and that after that, he would be gone for an extended trip so moving to where he is might just be a huge waste of money since I would only probably be there for a short period of time and then if he isn't there too, it kind of defeats part of the reason I would be going there. I haven't decided fully on that, but I am leaning towards that from our conversation yesterday. I don't know if I would even get to see him at all if I was there.
He says that he is 100% sure that our relationship is over. He doesn't have any of the feelings he should have as a husband for me and he just feels like he is better off alone. He thinks that marriage is just a financial partnership, and doesn't believe in any of the vows that come along with it any longer. He was very flippant about things like his words weren't cutting me deep. There were a couple of times though that I heard the old version of him in his voice and it made me miss him so much...he said at one time in the conversation, that he thought my hobbies would make my life full without him....who says that? Hobbies don't make a life!
Honestly, I don't believe any of the crap he said. I mean, I believe that he believes he doesn't have any feelings, but I still think that he is going through some kind of crisis. Whether he will come through this crisis as the honorable, loyal man full of integrity that I married is another question altogether. He sounded so cold and unfeeling about everything...saying something about that he doesn't want anything, just whatever he can fit in the bag he has there with him.
So, like I have been saying all along, I am going to focus on the things I can control. I am going to focus on me and doing what I have to make my life full and busy and try not to worry about him or think about him as much as I can. I am probably going to focus on getting work here or near our hometown perhaps, so that I don't waste a bunch of money moving to a new state.
Some of the scabs of the wounds he created are open again, and I feel sad, vulnerable and lonely...but I am trying to work through it and keep my eye on the big picture. For now, I am just going to sit back and wait...however, I think I am going to stop trying to communicate with him much other than financial business we have to do. My purpose for doing that was to keep my presence in his life, but I think that he doesn't notice it and if he is not in a place for a while where he can get phone calls or texts, then the contact with him will be very limited anyhow.
I still feel as if he is my one and only. I will never feel this way or allow myself to feel this way about another person....not when hurting like this is an option. I have not given up on him or our marriage, I am just reassessing my position on location and work.
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