11 December 2012

Great Quote About Love

"When you love someone that much, for that long, no matter how far you go, you can never get away from them. And that is once in a lifetime" -Benjamin Mead, We Bought A Zoo

This explains my whole rational towards my husband and our life together. You don't throw away a lifetime. Even though it seems like he is doing that, I have to be the strength right now and stick to what my heart tells me what to do. I couldn't live with myself otherwise.

11 October 2012

Fall Update

These past few months have been pretty hard. Part of it is hormonal/tidal but at the same time, it is just a matter of me being able to keep it down better on some days than others. I am still wrecked and broken and that isn't going to change any time soon, if ever. I am still trying to keep the anger at bay when it rears its head, and not take all of it personally.

Part of what makes this hard, is being in our house, doing the kinds of things we normally would do together and having no input or support from him. It really feels like none of us are even on his mind at all, and if we are, it is only with anger. Fall is upon us and I am trying to get all the outdoor stuff done that I need to do before it gets too cold.

I had to send him a note a few days back because our taxes and insurance are coming up on the house. I have not heard anything but reality is that I can't afford to do it alone along with all the other things I am covering right now. I hope I hear back from him.

I still love him with all my heart, and miss him terribly. He is my one and only and always will be. I hope that his heart and mind heal soon so we can get our lives back on track.

23 August 2012

Missing Him

I guess things have changed a bit since the last time I posted here. I have moved to our house in our home town and am trying to fix things up (there was some damage) and get working. I don't know if it will help things with him or not, but it feels like the only "move" I can make that is good for me and doesn't feel like a step away from him or our life. I am barely treading water financially so I really need to get on the job thing as soon as possible.

Some things have happened recently that really have cemented in my head the fact that this is not about me but truly about him. He is detached from our whole family and I know he must be hurting and lonely but can't seem to get past whatever is going on with him to connect with any of us. I am trying to not get angry when the anger rises. I know I shouldn't take things personal either, but I do at times because it hurts so much to not have him communicating with me. He is my best friend and the only person I want to spend time with and it is just so hard some times.

I am very worried about him and his disconnection being a permanent thing but I can't control anything but my own actions. He has to want help from me (or someone) before anyone can help him. I know he is scared but he has to trust all of us that we are here for him and that whatever he is going through it not something that is going to drive any of us away from him.

So I guess things are basically the same emotionally but physically I am trying to better things for both of us.

23 February 2012

18 February 2012

Wind

The wind has been taken out of my sails a little bit. I had this plan (even though I wasn't really moving on it) and now that plan is kind of shot to hell. I am not giving up, but I am pretty sure I am not moving to where he is, mostly because he won't be there, and because he might be moving soon too and that kind of limits me in how long I could be there and really get any kind of good work experience before having to quit and move. It just seems like it would be a waste of money to move there, and if he isn't going to be there either, than it is also a waste of time and experience options as well.

At least that is what my logical brain tells me and I wonder right now if my logical brain isn't the one I should be listening to. He said a few things on the phone which I am of course going over and over. One of them was "I thought you were stronger than this"...there is no good answer for this...because I feel like I am being strong by believing in him and believing in our marriage.

His callous, selfish, cocky personality is allowing him to convince himself of all kinds of crazy things, probably so he can sleep at night for all that he has done to me. I can't believe that he truly believes all the crap he says. It just blows me away when I think about some of it but then my insecure self hears some of it play over and over in my head to the point of believing that I am this pathetic, weak girl that can't live without him.

I can live without him...survive, but it isn't the life I planned for or want. I don't want a life with this angry, cocky, selfish person either. I know that this is not him...he is protecting himself from something and somehow I am the biggest victim. I can't believe that he truly doesn't know me better and that I don't know him better. He has rewritten history in his mind to justify his behavior but I don't buy that he really thinks any of this...it is a cover.

Thing is, there is nothing I can do to get him face this, or even try to change back to the person I know. He has to do this on his own and he has to want to do this. I can only focus on me and doing what I need to do at this point and hope that he knows (which I know he does) that I love him and believe in him and want him to be okay. I am his friend, always will be and he will always be the love of my life.

16 February 2012

Confusion

So, I actually talked to him on the phone yesterday for the first time in 18 months. I wasn't expecting him to answer the phone but he did, and we talked for a long time. He claims that he still doesn't love me and that he still wants to end our marriage and he is just waiting for me to tell him that I agree to sign papers, which I told him I won't do.

He wasn't cruel this time, like he was last time I spoke to him, but he wasn't friendly either. I asked him a lot of the questions I have been wanting to ask him for the last year, some of them he had answers for, and some he didn't. He still tried to put most of this on me but he also said that he changed. He said he didn't believe in a lot of the same things he used to believe in but when I asked him how come he didn't tell me any of this as it was happening to him he didn't have an answer. We didn't address any of the horrible things he said to me before I had to leave, but I know that the man I love has to be completely ashamed of what was said.

I asked him how he could just cut me out of his life like the last 20 years haven't happened, and he didn't have an answer for that either.

This conversation wasn't a surprise to me, I figured as much, even if I had seen him face to face. I knew that nothing would have changed with him because his behavior is still the stranger that our family doesn't know. I have no idea if this is a permanent condition for him...if the man I love is gone forever or not but I am not at a point where I can agree to end my marriage. It would just be too damaging for me as a person and I am just not there yet, but I think that I have decided that I am not going to pursue trying to help or fix him right now.

He told me he wasn't going to be around for the next few months and that after that, he would be gone for an extended trip so moving to where he is might just be a huge waste of money since I would only probably be there for a short period of time and then if he isn't there too, it kind of defeats part of the reason I would be going there. I haven't decided fully on that, but I am leaning towards that from our conversation yesterday. I don't know if I would even get to see him at all if I was there.

He says that he is 100% sure that our relationship is over. He doesn't have any of the feelings he should have as a husband for me and he just feels like he is better off alone. He thinks that marriage is just a financial partnership, and doesn't believe in any of the vows that come along with it any longer. He was very flippant about things like his words weren't cutting me deep. There were a couple of times though that I heard the old version of him in his voice and it made me miss him so much...he said at one time in the conversation, that he thought my hobbies would make my life full without him....who says that? Hobbies don't make a life!

Honestly, I don't believe any of the crap he said. I mean, I believe that he believes he doesn't have any feelings, but I still think that he is going through some kind of crisis. Whether he will come through this crisis as the honorable, loyal man full of integrity that I married is another question altogether. He sounded so cold and unfeeling about everything...saying something about that he doesn't want anything, just whatever he can fit in the bag he has there with him.

So, like I have been saying all along, I am going to focus on the things I can control. I am going to focus on me and doing what I have to make my life full and busy and try not to worry about him or think about him as much as I can. I am probably going to focus on getting work here or near our hometown perhaps, so that I don't waste a bunch of money moving to a new state.

Some of the scabs of the wounds he created are open again, and I feel sad, vulnerable and lonely...but I am trying to work through it and keep my eye on the big picture. For now, I am just going to sit back and wait...however, I think I am going to stop trying to communicate with him much other than financial business we have to do. My purpose for doing that was to keep my presence in his life, but I think that he doesn't notice it and if he is not in a place for a while where he can get phone calls or texts, then the contact with him will be very limited anyhow.

I still feel as if he is my one and only. I will never feel this way or allow myself to feel this way about another person....not when hurting like this is an option. I have not given up on him or our marriage, I am just reassessing my position on location and work.

22 January 2012

Is It Possible?

I had an epiphany this morning. I have to wonder if my procrastination/hesitation/delay on finding a job is entirely tied to the fact that my husband's biggest claim for falling out of love with me was due to me being unemployed. I know in my heart that this is trivial crap that he was just throwing at me to hurt me, but I have to wonder if my head doesn't hold this in the back somewhere, and I am afraid that if I do get a job and he still acts like the person I don't know, that it is something more than just the unemployment....and I would have to face that. The other side of this is if I get a job and all of sudden he does a turn around, what does that say about our marriage? Do I want to be married to someone so shallow that all he cares about is if I work and stay skinny?

I truly believe that something is going on with him that has nothing to do with me, but that doesn't mean that it can be fixed or that the love of my life still exists inside of him. He could be changed into this person I don't know forever, which would suck. I talked to a good friend of mine for a long time the other night and it seems that I am in a catch 22.

I believe in marriage, forever and all that crap, which means that I buy into better and worse, until death do us part. It is part of who I am and I am afraid that if I were to even for a second consider that I have another option, it will change fundamentally who I am. I will be cold, and loveless, jaded distant for the rest of my life. The problem with this is if he has turned into a terrible person that I don't want to spend time with, according to my own logic, I am bound to him regardless...which I think would also turn me fundamentally into a cold, loveless, jaded distant person.

My biggest thing is that I know myself and if I don't do everything I can to fix this, I will over think it and regret it for the rest of my life. He could just be in a really bad place and it is my duty (not to mention my word) to stick by him and try to help him for as long as I can. What happens if he just really needs me to be the one person that doesn't abandon him?

So back to the topic, if this issue with me trying to find work is all in my head, at least I know what it is now and perhaps that will help get past it and find a damn job. I have to tell myself to concentrate on the things I can control and that I have nothing to lose by getting a job...even if it doesn't fix things.

04 January 2012

Tough'n It Out

I have been continuing to journal in my hard cover journal, not quite a frequently as I should but much more than I have over the last year. I still only hear from him sporadically and usually only about business stuff. I have drafted a very heartfelt, and honest letter that I plan to send in the next few days, along with a couple of recent photos of me. I don't think he is reading email (except at work, which seems to be the only place I can contact him), so while I still send him personal emails, texts and voicemails pretty regularly, I don't really expect to hear from him on those occasions. I really hope that this letter hits home with him and gets some kind of reaction out of him. I love him and miss him and don't understand the silence, the immaturity or why he is treating me so badly. None of it makes any sense.

I am still looking for work and trying to get back. I might have friends that might be in the area soon and that might make the whole thing easier for me. I hope that getting there will be one step closer to getting things back or at least get moving in a direction that isn't limbo.