Is It Possible?

I had an epiphany this morning. I have to wonder if my procrastination/hesitation/delay on finding a job is entirely tied to the fact that my husband's biggest claim for falling out of love with me was due to me being unemployed. I know in my heart that this is trivial crap that he was just throwing at me to hurt me, but I have to wonder if my head doesn't hold this in the back somewhere, and I am afraid that if I do get a job and he still acts like the person I don't know, that it is something more than just the unemployment....and I would have to face that. The other side of this is if I get a job and all of sudden he does a turn around, what does that say about our marriage? Do I want to be married to someone so shallow that all he cares about is if I work and stay skinny?

I truly believe that something is going on with him that has nothing to do with me, but that doesn't mean that it can be fixed or that the love of my life still exists inside of him. He could be changed into this person I don't know forever, which would suck. I talked to a good friend of mine for a long time the other night and it seems that I am in a catch 22.

I believe in marriage, forever and all that crap, which means that I buy into better and worse, until death do us part. It is part of who I am and I am afraid that if I were to even for a second consider that I have another option, it will change fundamentally who I am. I will be cold, and loveless, jaded distant for the rest of my life. The problem with this is if he has turned into a terrible person that I don't want to spend time with, according to my own logic, I am bound to him regardless...which I think would also turn me fundamentally into a cold, loveless, jaded distant person.

My biggest thing is that I know myself and if I don't do everything I can to fix this, I will over think it and regret it for the rest of my life. He could just be in a really bad place and it is my duty (not to mention my word) to stick by him and try to help him for as long as I can. What happens if he just really needs me to be the one person that doesn't abandon him?

So back to the topic, if this issue with me trying to find work is all in my head, at least I know what it is now and perhaps that will help get past it and find a damn job. I have to tell myself to concentrate on the things I can control and that I have nothing to lose by getting a job...even if it doesn't fix things.