23 August 2012

Missing Him

I guess things have changed a bit since the last time I posted here. I have moved to our house in our home town and am trying to fix things up (there was some damage) and get working. I don't know if it will help things with him or not, but it feels like the only "move" I can make that is good for me and doesn't feel like a step away from him or our life. I am barely treading water financially so I really need to get on the job thing as soon as possible.

Some things have happened recently that really have cemented in my head the fact that this is not about me but truly about him. He is detached from our whole family and I know he must be hurting and lonely but can't seem to get past whatever is going on with him to connect with any of us. I am trying to not get angry when the anger rises. I know I shouldn't take things personal either, but I do at times because it hurts so much to not have him communicating with me. He is my best friend and the only person I want to spend time with and it is just so hard some times.

I am very worried about him and his disconnection being a permanent thing but I can't control anything but my own actions. He has to want help from me (or someone) before anyone can help him. I know he is scared but he has to trust all of us that we are here for him and that whatever he is going through it not something that is going to drive any of us away from him.

So I guess things are basically the same emotionally but physically I am trying to better things for both of us.