16 July 2011

Hurt

It has been a tough week, and it hurts a lot that I haven't heard from him. I don't know what has happened to him that he isn't the person I know and love right now because the one I know and love would make contact this week. It is hard to keep the faith, I feel my brain going in overdrive trying to figure out what he is thinking and I keep having to tell myself to "concentrate on what I can control". I want to give him this space and time to figure out whatever is going on with him, but I miss and love him so much, it is hard for me to keep the distance up.

He is the one I think of when something happens and want to share it. He is the one I dream of at night. He is the one that I have in my brain and in my heart every second of every day, and I HATE the distance....it is killing me a little bit everyday and I am not sure how many bits of me are left.

I saw a couple of pictures of myself from last weekend, and I look chubby and I hate it...I have to get on the stick with my eating...part of my brain (the body image distortion part of my brain) tells me to just stop eating for a few days and I'll lose the weight, and the other part (the smart part) tells me that if I stop eating, not only will I slow down my metabolism, I will also make myself suseptible to getting sick, and I can't afford to be sick right now. So I just need to up the workouts and limit the eating to low fat balanced foods. I can do that, I don't eat junk so it shouldn't be that hard...

I need to hit balls...going to be golfing with family in a few weeks and really need to get some practice in. It has been ages...partly because it is expensive and my finances are very tight, but also because it is something he and I do together and it will be hard to go do it on my own...although right now I do pretty much everything on my own, so I guess I should be used to it, but I am not.

Lastly, I miss her. I miss knowing she is here waiting for me, and I can't get the picture out of my brain of the last time I saw her. I don't believe in heaven but if I did, it would be for animals only...and I would hope that she would be there.