27 September 2010

Two Weeks

Yesterday marked my two weeks here. The last few days have been pretty hard for me. I had to contact our old post office today to find out why my mail hasn't been forwarded yet. They hadn't received the change of address form yet but were able to do it over the phone so all the mail on hold left there today. This means I should have vehicle keys soon and need to find out how I need to go about getting it back on the road after being stored for so long.

I have not heard from him since last week when he was letting me know that he was sending me some boxes. I have updated my closest friends on my status and I have talked to his mom. Everyone is still completely shocked as I am.

I keep hearing of other friends that are going through the same thing as me, so I am starting to think this is an epidemic that needs to addressed, but who knows if it will be. I know that half of our issues stem from the fact that he was gone so much and we have just not had time to be a family and communicate like normal.

25 September 2010

Feeling Bad

I feel really crappy today. My stomach is upset and I am not motivated in any kind of way to do the things I need to do. I just want to sit on the steps out front with the sun hitting my face and try not to think about what a terrible turn my life seems to have made. I don't know how to fix tihs, I don't know if it is fixable and if it even is fixable, would he even cooperate.

I am putting things away from the boxes he sent me this week. A lot of it is summer clothes, because silly me, I thought I was going to be living in a tropical climate since I wasn't even warned that I was going to be voted off. Sometimes I am really mad at him because it feels like he made this incredibly rash decision without even talking to me or giving me a chance. I don't know what to even say to him if he were to call and talk to me (which we know he won't because he doesn't even think of me when I am not around and he dreads even having to be in the same room with me). I don't know where to go from here and I am just fumbling around.

Staying busy is key but this unpacking just makes me heart sick because it feels like I am here for the long haul once I start unpacking. I am getting ready to put totes with summer clothes and suitcases down in the garage and it just feels so bad.

I hurt so deep inside of me that sometimes I can push it down so it doesn't show on the surface but I know that I am fundamentally damaged at this point and it will show in my eyes forever.

24 September 2010

Boxes

Well 6 boxes arrived today...feels so permanent, but I am telling myself that it is not. Things still have time to turn around. I miss him so much, the old him, not this new version that seems to find being in the same room with me disgusting.

I spoke with my aunt yesterday and she said I need to remain his friend, make sure he knows that I am still there for him. I have told him this repeatedly and when he does send me the business-like emails, I always write back that I love him and that I want to work on things. I am done trying to figure out what to say and feel, I am just being myself and telling him what I want or need. He can deal with how he reacts to that. I can only control my side of things....it is up to him to figure out his side. I feel like I spent the last year making excuses for why he wasn't communicating with me and keeping things to myself and I am done with that. If I want him to know something, I am just telling him, and I am not done fighting for my marriage.

I love the man he is inside. I miss his smile.

21 September 2010

Forward Against My Will

Yesterday I got an email from him that he is sending some boxes with some of our stuff in it. I have no idea what is really going to show up and just reading the email made me cry. It is cold and unfeeling and so different from the man I married.

I know he is probably just trying to make sure I have the things I might need but it just feels like he is trying to push me out even more and that hurts. It hasn't even been a week that I have been gone but he is still going down a road I don't want to go on, and I feel helpless. I hate feeling like I am out of control of my life. It makes me want to stop eating again because it is one of the only things in my control right now.

17 September 2010

First Contact

So tonight, I come up to go to bed and I have the first email from him since I have left. I managed to make it without being the first to contact but all he wanted to know was my mailing address and if I had transferred some money. He didn't even sign the emails. I answered him but I also didn't pull any punches. I am through worrying about if I look desperate or not...no games for me. I just wanted him to know that I love him and that I want him to give us a chance to work things out, so I told him just that. If he doesn't like it, I guess he will tell me or just not email anymore but it was my only option to tell him without being the one to instigate the emails.

I feel so torn...going back and forth in my head, and it is killing me. I am crying myself to sleep every night still but am staying busy enough during the day, I can get through most of it without breaking down. I am stuck though...no choices to be made because each one feels like a permanent decision. I don't want to make any permanent decisions right now. I want to be back with him working things out. I want my friend back, I want my love back. Why is he making this so hard? Why can't he give us a chance to work things out?

I keep replaying all the bad things he said to me to get me to leave...and I don't want to remember those things. I don't want them stuck in my head forever. I know he said most of them in the heat of the moment and didn't mean them, just wanted me to go. I feel like I should have stayed but I think if I had, it would have gotten a lot worse so I am not sure. I am so unsure of so much right now, and I hate feeling this way.

My friends and family have all been really great...but I can't tell the story anymore right now...it is just too heartwrenching for me. I love him and want us back to the way we were before. I don't know if that is achievable or not. He is not contributing and I don't know if there is a lot I can do if he just doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I can stall as long as I want...and I will until I know for sure there is no hope. I am wearing both of our wedding rings now since he gave me his. It is my small way of keeping our marriage alive in my heart and head. I know he doesn't see it or feel it but I hope that something still reaches him.

14 September 2010

Oceans Apart

So I am sitting at my sister's house where she and her husband have graciously taken me in for the time being. I am still not eating much, have already lost quite a few pounds. I just can't do it...I am not hungry and somehow when I am hungry the pain kind of is the only thing that makes me feel alive.

I couldn't stay any longer where we were. He didn't want me there. He frankly told me that if I didn't leave it was only going to get worse. I am hoping that somehow he will see that I am not the cause of his unhappiness right now. If he would let me in, I could help him deal with whatever it is that is causing him to hate his life so much. I am not giving up on my marriage. In fact, getting on the plane to come back here was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I probably couldn't have done it if my sister had not come because even the day of the flight, I wanted to just stay in bed and cry.

I wrote him a letter before I left the hotel the night before I left the state, so he would know that I still love him and have always loved him. That I wish he would give us a chance to fix whatever it is that is causing this huge gap between us. I also wrote him some notes that I read to him on the way to the airport so that he would know that my coming here was not to be taken as me giving in to this situation but just a chance for us to try some space. I told him I didn't want a divorce and that I was there for him if he needed me. I also asked him not to be afraid to come back to me even after all this hurt if he realizes that he has made a mistake. He is still my one and only. I love him (the man inside of him that I married) with all my heart, and I know that he can come back to me if he just will deal with the issues that are haunting him.

For those friends and family that know, I have asked them not to think harshly of him even though they know what he is doing is killing me. I still love him and I still want to make this work. He is the love of my life.

I am not feeling any better about this and it feels like I am just on a visit right now...I don't want to make any decisions that might make me feel like I am making a permanent decision. I had to get some clothes today at the store because it is becoming cool here and I wasn't packed for cool since I thought I was going to be in another state for the next few years.

I am so numb right now and heartbroken. I feel like I am stuck in cement. Thankfully my sister has been keeping me busy and their hospitality has assured me that I am in no rush to figure anything out just now. I hope that I can be back with him in short time but I don't know how that will work if he won't talk to anyone. I am hoping to be able to email a friend that might have some answers for me. I don't know what else to do.

10 September 2010

Its Over?

Last night after getting ready for bed, he dropped the big bomb on me. He wants to end our marriage of 18 years and without a bat of the eye. I couldn't get hold of any of my friends today after I cried all night long with him snoozing next to me because he doesn't seem to care a bit that he is killing a little bit of me each minute. I ended up having to call my mom and sister and both of them are heartbroken for me. My sister wants to get on a plane and come here as soon as she can. I think I might need her help to get out of here with the cat. Leaving seems so real though, and making that step is going to be hard for me....at that point, he will feel like a single guy again...and I will be the farthest thing from his mind.

I IMd with his mom this evening before he got home and she is shocked and I am sure most of his side of the family knows now. She said his Dad did the same thing to her and that I shouldn't trust him to take care of me financially. At this point, I don't know how much to trust him at all....I know the boy I fell in love with is hidden down somewhere inside of him....he keeps putting this all on me. Says I am not the girl he thought he was marrying...afraid to travel, not willing to have a career, not interested in athletics....I beg to differ....I have been playing soccer with active leagues until 3 years ago when we moved this last time. My career has always been difficult since he has a career that requires us to move frequently and then he is not home much so I have to take care of everything on my own. Lastly, I am not afraid to travel...I have developed in the last few years a bit of travel anxiety but I have some medication I take on those days and I am fine...he just doesn't want to admit that any of this is his fault...it is all me for some reason.

I feel like I am stuck....laid all day curled in bed with no food or water, just waking up to cry for a bit and then back to sleep. I can't function. If my sister comes out, I guess that will get me moving. We talked about how to split out our savings tonight but he is not wanting to help take care of me for a the months that we will still be married. I also told him that I don't want to be divorced...I am not sure if I can keep us from being divorced. I will agree to a legal separation at this point but I am not willing to get divorced right now....I hope I have some way to do that. I guess I won't be able to find out until I am back in my home state.

It makes me sad that my family and his family all think badly of him now but he brought this onto himself and the fact that he is just claiming that he doesn't love me anymore because I am not the same girl he thought I was marrying, doesn't wash for me. It has been almost 20 years since we were first married and of course we are both going to change. The fact that he wants to blame me for all of it is so typical. I talked to a friend on the phone this morning and he said for me to keep it in my brain that this is not my fault...it has been happening to lots of families he deals with and they all say the same thing...

09 September 2010

Losing It

I hate to sound so desperate but I feel like I am trapped in a really bad situation right now. I thought that for sure, we would move and being alone and having to work together on things would help us get back to where we were. I think I was just trying to fool myself.

Now I have moved to this new place where I don't know anyone, don't know my way around and he seems so comfortable and fine. I have been feeling a bit panicky since I went down to the pool yesterday and came back to nap for a bit and woke up to him sneaking out of the room.

Just found out this morning that he has a cellphone I didn't know about and I am curious if he has service already too without telling me.

The one thing that always worked in our marriage in the past was that we communicated. Unfortunately, I usually had to force the hard communications and the last time I did that, he said a bunch of things to me that hurt more than anything in my life and this made me leery of asking anymore hard questions.

In hindsight, I probably should have just asked, found out the truth so that instead of moving here with him and completely cutting myself off from everyone I love, I could have just moved back to the mainland and he could have moved on with his life that he seems to want that do.

Okay, had to leave for a bit and didn't get to finish my post. I ended up talking to one of my good friends and just getting some of this off my chest made me feel a lot better. I also managed to get a bit of food in me and went for a 2 mile walk which is always good...did some lunges too.

When I came back from walking, I decided to ask him outright about the phone. I knew he had purchased it but I just didn't know if he had service on it and if he was already making calls on it. He said that yes, it would work here and then I asked what kind of service he was thinking of us getting. He said, " I already have service on it". I asked since when, and he said " since yesterday"....I could have lost it but I didn't. I just asked him why he didn't tell me and why he didn't give me the number. He didn't respond. So I asked him to give me the number so I could put it in my phone.

I am going to focus on me, getting my shit together and I think that if things haven't improved by the time we get all of our stuff, I will look at moving into another place or asking him to move into another place. I just don't think I deserve to be treated like this and not have some kind of actual relationship with him. Right now, he acts like any conversation or time spent with me is a hassle...it is so obvious that is angry or something that he even has to deal with me at all. This is bullshit. I am a beautiful, active, smart woman and he is lucky to have me, that is for sure. I am not sure he will ever see that but it is true, and if he ends up down the road by himself and miserable, it won't be due to lack of trying on my part to work this whole mess out.

07 September 2010

Flying Away

What to do, what to do....sat on a plane next to him and we really didn't say two words to each other. Now we are in the airport here for 5 hours and any chance he gets to escape from my company he is taking....I am trying to not take it personal but it still hurts my feelings. He manages to sit on my side but doesn't touch me and in the last few weeks anytime I have tried to touch him, he seems to flinch from my affection. What I find hilarious is that he still uses the cotton swabs I pack for me (because he never packs them for himself) and he uses my nail clippers because he never packs those for himself either....so he still expects me to do certain things I have always done and he takes advantage of it even though I am sure any time he has to rely on me for anything, it is just killing him.

I don't know if he is trying to make me feel bad or if he is trying to just not let himself feel anything for me and that takes an effort on his part. I do have to say that things are worse than they were when he left....at least he was still asking me to help him with stretching, or his back...but now, nothing...

There were a couple of times today when we did talk and it almost felt like normal, but only for a second and then it is like he catches himself. I hate to see what is going to happen when we get where we are going and he some day changes his feelings and wonders while I am not ready to just jump back into his arms....I don't trust him with my heart and I definitely don't want to get hurt like this again.

Right now, I am sitting at the gate by myself and he went off to find a friend of ours (who he can't even remember the name of) in one of the bars in this part of the airport...he prefers his company to mine. When he went off to find him, he asked me, do you want to stay here, I am just going to go up here and see if he is there....you could tell he really didn't want me to accompany him and since I am carrying a ton of stuff with me, I am fine with just camping out for now. You have to pay for internet at this airport so I figure I can just get some of my stuff out on paper before he gets back so that I don't lose my mind completely.

I am reading the second book in a row that has marriages falling apart in it and it is just too weird. On top of that, a friend of mine emails me last night that she and her lying, cheating bastard of a husband are getting divorced. I am thrilled for her even though it is going to be hard, because she deserves so much better than that dirtbag. I hope his career goes in the toilet too....what a jackass. I keep having to tell myself that things aren't that bad for me so I should be thankful that we can probably get past this once we get settled and figure out how to be around each other again.

Enough on that for now. Tired of being sad, tired of thinking about it, and definitely tired of talking about it....moving on to a regular blog post...we'll see if this one even ever gets posted.