First Contact

So tonight, I come up to go to bed and I have the first email from him since I have left. I managed to make it without being the first to contact but all he wanted to know was my mailing address and if I had transferred some money. He didn't even sign the emails. I answered him but I also didn't pull any punches. I am through worrying about if I look desperate or not...no games for me. I just wanted him to know that I love him and that I want him to give us a chance to work things out, so I told him just that. If he doesn't like it, I guess he will tell me or just not email anymore but it was my only option to tell him without being the one to instigate the emails.

I feel so torn...going back and forth in my head, and it is killing me. I am crying myself to sleep every night still but am staying busy enough during the day, I can get through most of it without breaking down. I am stuck though...no choices to be made because each one feels like a permanent decision. I don't want to make any permanent decisions right now. I want to be back with him working things out. I want my friend back, I want my love back. Why is he making this so hard? Why can't he give us a chance to work things out?

I keep replaying all the bad things he said to me to get me to leave...and I don't want to remember those things. I don't want them stuck in my head forever. I know he said most of them in the heat of the moment and didn't mean them, just wanted me to go. I feel like I should have stayed but I think if I had, it would have gotten a lot worse so I am not sure. I am so unsure of so much right now, and I hate feeling this way.

My friends and family have all been really great...but I can't tell the story anymore right now...it is just too heartwrenching for me. I love him and want us back to the way we were before. I don't know if that is achievable or not. He is not contributing and I don't know if there is a lot I can do if he just doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I can stall as long as I want...and I will until I know for sure there is no hope. I am wearing both of our wedding rings now since he gave me his. It is my small way of keeping our marriage alive in my heart and head. I know he doesn't see it or feel it but I hope that something still reaches him.