What to do, what to do....sat on a plane next to him and we really didn't say two words to each other. Now we are in the airport here for 5 hours and any chance he gets to escape from my company he is taking....I am trying to not take it personal but it still hurts my feelings. He manages to sit on my side but doesn't touch me and in the last few weeks anytime I have tried to touch him, he seems to flinch from my affection. What I find hilarious is that he still uses the cotton swabs I pack for me (because he never packs them for himself) and he uses my nail clippers because he never packs those for himself either....so he still expects me to do certain things I have always done and he takes advantage of it even though I am sure any time he has to rely on me for anything, it is just killing him.
I don't know if he is trying to make me feel bad or if he is trying to just not let himself feel anything for me and that takes an effort on his part. I do have to say that things are worse than they were when he left....at least he was still asking me to help him with stretching, or his back...but now, nothing...
There were a couple of times today when we did talk and it almost felt like normal, but only for a second and then it is like he catches himself. I hate to see what is going to happen when we get where we are going and he some day changes his feelings and wonders while I am not ready to just jump back into his arms....I don't trust him with my heart and I definitely don't want to get hurt like this again.
Right now, I am sitting at the gate by myself and he went off to find a friend of ours (who he can't even remember the name of) in one of the bars in this part of the airport...he prefers his company to mine. When he went off to find him, he asked me, do you want to stay here, I am just going to go up here and see if he is there....you could tell he really didn't want me to accompany him and since I am carrying a ton of stuff with me, I am fine with just camping out for now. You have to pay for internet at this airport so I figure I can just get some of my stuff out on paper before he gets back so that I don't lose my mind completely.
I am reading the second book in a row that has marriages falling apart in it and it is just too weird. On top of that, a friend of mine emails me last night that she and her lying, cheating bastard of a husband are getting divorced. I am thrilled for her even though it is going to be hard, because she deserves so much better than that dirtbag. I hope his career goes in the toilet too....what a jackass. I keep having to tell myself that things aren't that bad for me so I should be thankful that we can probably get past this once we get settled and figure out how to be around each other again.
Enough on that for now. Tired of being sad, tired of thinking about it, and definitely tired of talking about it....moving on to a regular blog post...we'll see if this one even ever gets posted.
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