Feeling Bad

I feel really crappy today. My stomach is upset and I am not motivated in any kind of way to do the things I need to do. I just want to sit on the steps out front with the sun hitting my face and try not to think about what a terrible turn my life seems to have made. I don't know how to fix tihs, I don't know if it is fixable and if it even is fixable, would he even cooperate.

I am putting things away from the boxes he sent me this week. A lot of it is summer clothes, because silly me, I thought I was going to be living in a tropical climate since I wasn't even warned that I was going to be voted off. Sometimes I am really mad at him because it feels like he made this incredibly rash decision without even talking to me or giving me a chance. I don't know what to even say to him if he were to call and talk to me (which we know he won't because he doesn't even think of me when I am not around and he dreads even having to be in the same room with me). I don't know where to go from here and I am just fumbling around.

Staying busy is key but this unpacking just makes me heart sick because it feels like I am here for the long haul once I start unpacking. I am getting ready to put totes with summer clothes and suitcases down in the garage and it just feels so bad.

I hurt so deep inside of me that sometimes I can push it down so it doesn't show on the surface but I know that I am fundamentally damaged at this point and it will show in my eyes forever.