Wish He Would See This

This is great. I emailed it to him today. Wish I would hear from him. No one has heard from him in almost a year..I hope he is okay.

Still love him with all my heart and still not giving up on him.

Perfect Words

This song from Pink has exactly the right words for me right now.

Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I, your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
Now you've been talking in your sleep
Oh, oh, things you never say to me
Oh, oh, tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh, we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear, we still have everythin'
And it's all in your mind
(Yeah, but this is happenin')
You've been havin' real bad dreams
Oh, oh, you used to lie so close to me
Oh, oh, there's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Oh, our love, our love
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I never stopped
You're still written in the scars on my heart
You're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Oh, tear ducts and rust
I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust
But our love's enough
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No, nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, that we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Feeling

Today, I was laying down for a couple of minutes for one of those quick rainy afternoon naps and I was just on the edge of sleep and I had a dream about my love.

I totally felt his hand in mine and his lips kiss me. It made me miss him so much.

I wish he would tell me what is going on with him and that I could help him in some way. I am so afraid that the changes in him are going to be permanent and there will no way to get the man I love back.

Maturity

While many in my inner circle probably don't understand how I am living my life day to day, this quote explains it very well. I am trying to be the wife I promised to be, so that at the end of the day, I have no regrets and I know I did everything I could...for better or worse.

I know that he is not hurting me because he is an ass, he is hurting me because he is hurting and being the closest thing to him, I am in the direct line of fire.

Hopeful

Guess mine is not the first heart broken
My eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know
There's just no getting over you
You know, I'm just a fool who's willing
To sit around and wait for you
But baby can't you see
There's nothing else for me to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

But now there's nowhere to hide
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm out of my head
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you

My head is saying "Fool, forget him"
My heart is saying "Don't let go"
Hold on 'till the end
That's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

But now there's nowhere to hide
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm out of my head
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

Lyrics from Grease

Another Blindside

Today, I got a bit of wake up call. I haven't heard from my one of my "inner circle" in a while and I have emailed twice thinking that perhaps she was irritated with me because I didn't take her advice. I still haven't gotten a response and while texting with another "inner circle" member, I found out that several of them have been apparently discussing me behind my back and don't agree with my choice to stick things out for now and that is why I haven't heard from them.

This news couldn't come at a worse time for me...full moon tonight and emotions are high so I am trying to not react badly, but I have burst into tears several times today just thinking about it. I removed several of them from my "inner circle". I don't want to burden people that don't want to be burdened and it is definitely within their rights to not agree with me but it is also within my rights to not agree with them. Reality is, normally, I don't share private stuff with anyone, but when this all came down originally, if I had not reached out, I would have died...quite literally. This always made me uncomfortable, but it was what it was. I also always knew that at some point, I would not be able to talk about it with anyone anymore because they would get sick of it. Nobody wants anyone else's troubles for very long. Now I am sorry that I confided in any of them.

What they don't seem to understand, and perhaps this is because they feel differently about their relationships than I do (which is their prerogative), is that regardless if I push to "make official" anything with my husband, or I sit and believe that our marriage means something and that it can be salvaged...it wouldn't change my current situation. I would still be here alone, heartbroken and going about the same tasks I have to tackle each and every day. The ONLY thing that would be different would be that I would be "officially" giving up on the one thing in my whole world that I have ever believed in. I would be wondering each day if I had failed myself, my husband and our marriage, and I would be way worse off than I am at this moment.

I know that they look at me and think that if I were just to pull the plug on my 20+ year marriage, I could meet someone new and move on...problem is...THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. If I pull the plug on my marriage, all I am doing is guaranteeing myself of a life of loneliness. I will never be in another relationship, I will never trust another living soul with my heart like I have my husband. I will never allow myself to ever be close to another person like I was with him. It is just not who I am.

I have really felt like a girl looking at life from the outside in lately...not sure what to do with that. I can't talk to most of my family about this, and now most of my friends either. Guess it is a good thing I journal or I would be up shit creek.

There are some scary times on the horizon and I guess I am facing most of it alone (my one close friend that I can still talk to about anything is moving to another country soon so I think our contact is going to be very limited). I have perfected the smile of someone that is fine but really isn't and responding with "Fine", when asked how I am doing.

Postcard Quote

Sent this to him:

"She is an optimist still, believes in true love, magic and soul mates. She is waiting for you and if you don't come back from this, you will change who she is forever."

I don't know if he is receiving mail right now (might not be in the area to get it) but I have to try to keep the lines of communication open.

Great Quote About Love

"When you love someone that much, for that long, no matter how far you go, you can never get away from them. And that is once in a lifetime" -Benjamin Mead, We Bought A Zoo

This explains my whole rational towards my husband and our life together. You don't throw away a lifetime. Even though it seems like he is doing that, I have to be the strength right now and stick to what my heart tells me what to do. I couldn't live with myself otherwise.

Fall Update

These past few months have been pretty hard. Part of it is hormonal/tidal but at the same time, it is just a matter of me being able to keep it down better on some days than others. I am still wrecked and broken and that isn't going to change any time soon, if ever. I am still trying to keep the anger at bay when it rears its head, and not take all of it personally.

Part of what makes this hard, is being in our house, doing the kinds of things we normally would do together and having no input or support from him. It really feels like none of us are even on his mind at all, and if we are, it is only with anger. Fall is upon us and I am trying to get all the outdoor stuff done that I need to do before it gets too cold.

I had to send him a note a few days back because our taxes and insurance are coming up on the house. I have not heard anything but reality is that I can't afford to do it alone along with all the other things I am covering right now. I hope I hear back from him.

I still love him with all my heart, and miss him terribly. He is my one and only and always will be. I hope that his heart and mind heal soon so we can get our lives back on track.

Missing Him

I guess things have changed a bit since the last time I posted here. I have moved to our house in our home town and am trying to fix things up (there was some damage) and get working. I don't know if it will help things with him or not, but it feels like the only "move" I can make that is good for me and doesn't feel like a step away from him or our life. I am barely treading water financially so I really need to get on the job thing as soon as possible.

Some things have happened recently that really have cemented in my head the fact that this is not about me but truly about him. He is detached from our whole family and I know he must be hurting and lonely but can't seem to get past whatever is going on with him to connect with any of us. I am trying to not get angry when the anger rises. I know I shouldn't take things personal either, but I do at times because it hurts so much to not have him communicating with me. He is my best friend and the only person I want to spend time with and it is just so hard some times.

I am very worried about him and his disconnection being a permanent thing but I can't control anything but my own actions. He has to want help from me (or someone) before anyone can help him. I know he is scared but he has to trust all of us that we are here for him and that whatever he is going through it not something that is going to drive any of us away from him.

So I guess things are basically the same emotionally but physically I am trying to better things for both of us.

Wow

She's Broken

Wind

The wind has been taken out of my sails a little bit. I had this plan (even though I wasn't really moving on it) and now that plan is kind of shot to hell. I am not giving up, but I am pretty sure I am not moving to where he is, mostly because he won't be there, and because he might be moving soon too and that kind of limits me in how long I could be there and really get any kind of good work experience before having to quit and move. It just seems like it would be a waste of money to move there, and if he isn't going to be there either, than it is also a waste of time and experience options as well.

At least that is what my logical brain tells me and I wonder right now if my logical brain isn't the one I should be listening to. He said a few things on the phone which I am of course going over and over. One of them was "I thought you were stronger than this"...there is no good answer for this...because I feel like I am being strong by believing in him and believing in our marriage.

His callous, selfish, cocky personality is allowing him to convince himself of all kinds of crazy things, probably so he can sleep at night for all that he has done to me. I can't believe that he truly believes all the crap he says. It just blows me away when I think about some of it but then my insecure self hears some of it play over and over in my head to the point of believing that I am this pathetic, weak girl that can't live without him.

I can live without him...survive, but it isn't the life I planned for or want. I don't want a life with this angry, cocky, selfish person either. I know that this is not him...he is protecting himself from something and somehow I am the biggest victim. I can't believe that he truly doesn't know me better and that I don't know him better. He has rewritten history in his mind to justify his behavior but I don't buy that he really thinks any of this...it is a cover.

Thing is, there is nothing I can do to get him face this, or even try to change back to the person I know. He has to do this on his own and he has to want to do this. I can only focus on me and doing what I need to do at this point and hope that he knows (which I know he does) that I love him and believe in him and want him to be okay. I am his friend, always will be and he will always be the love of my life.

Confusion

So, I actually talked to him on the phone yesterday for the first time in 18 months. I wasn't expecting him to answer the phone but he did, and we talked for a long time. He claims that he still doesn't love me and that he still wants to end our marriage and he is just waiting for me to tell him that I agree to sign papers, which I told him I won't do.

He wasn't cruel this time, like he was last time I spoke to him, but he wasn't friendly either. I asked him a lot of the questions I have been wanting to ask him for the last year, some of them he had answers for, and some he didn't. He still tried to put most of this on me but he also said that he changed. He said he didn't believe in a lot of the same things he used to believe in but when I asked him how come he didn't tell me any of this as it was happening to him he didn't have an answer. We didn't address any of the horrible things he said to me before I had to leave, but I know that the man I love has to be completely ashamed of what was said.

I asked him how he could just cut me out of his life like the last 20 years haven't happened, and he didn't have an answer for that either.

This conversation wasn't a surprise to me, I figured as much, even if I had seen him face to face. I knew that nothing would have changed with him because his behavior is still the stranger that our family doesn't know. I have no idea if this is a permanent condition for him...if the man I love is gone forever or not but I am not at a point where I can agree to end my marriage. It would just be too damaging for me as a person and I am just not there yet, but I think that I have decided that I am not going to pursue trying to help or fix him right now.

He told me he wasn't going to be around for the next few months and that after that, he would be gone for an extended trip so moving to where he is might just be a huge waste of money since I would only probably be there for a short period of time and then if he isn't there too, it kind of defeats part of the reason I would be going there. I haven't decided fully on that, but I am leaning towards that from our conversation yesterday. I don't know if I would even get to see him at all if I was there.

He says that he is 100% sure that our relationship is over. He doesn't have any of the feelings he should have as a husband for me and he just feels like he is better off alone. He thinks that marriage is just a financial partnership, and doesn't believe in any of the vows that come along with it any longer. He was very flippant about things like his words weren't cutting me deep. There were a couple of times though that I heard the old version of him in his voice and it made me miss him so much...he said at one time in the conversation, that he thought my hobbies would make my life full without him....who says that? Hobbies don't make a life!

Honestly, I don't believe any of the crap he said. I mean, I believe that he believes he doesn't have any feelings, but I still think that he is going through some kind of crisis. Whether he will come through this crisis as the honorable, loyal man full of integrity that I married is another question altogether. He sounded so cold and unfeeling about everything...saying something about that he doesn't want anything, just whatever he can fit in the bag he has there with him.

So, like I have been saying all along, I am going to focus on the things I can control. I am going to focus on me and doing what I have to make my life full and busy and try not to worry about him or think about him as much as I can. I am probably going to focus on getting work here or near our hometown perhaps, so that I don't waste a bunch of money moving to a new state.

Some of the scabs of the wounds he created are open again, and I feel sad, vulnerable and lonely...but I am trying to work through it and keep my eye on the big picture. For now, I am just going to sit back and wait...however, I think I am going to stop trying to communicate with him much other than financial business we have to do. My purpose for doing that was to keep my presence in his life, but I think that he doesn't notice it and if he is not in a place for a while where he can get phone calls or texts, then the contact with him will be very limited anyhow.

I still feel as if he is my one and only. I will never feel this way or allow myself to feel this way about another person....not when hurting like this is an option. I have not given up on him or our marriage, I am just reassessing my position on location and work.

Is It Possible?

I had an epiphany this morning. I have to wonder if my procrastination/hesitation/delay on finding a job is entirely tied to the fact that my husband's biggest claim for falling out of love with me was due to me being unemployed. I know in my heart that this is trivial crap that he was just throwing at me to hurt me, but I have to wonder if my head doesn't hold this in the back somewhere, and I am afraid that if I do get a job and he still acts like the person I don't know, that it is something more than just the unemployment....and I would have to face that. The other side of this is if I get a job and all of sudden he does a turn around, what does that say about our marriage? Do I want to be married to someone so shallow that all he cares about is if I work and stay skinny?

I truly believe that something is going on with him that has nothing to do with me, but that doesn't mean that it can be fixed or that the love of my life still exists inside of him. He could be changed into this person I don't know forever, which would suck. I talked to a good friend of mine for a long time the other night and it seems that I am in a catch 22.

I believe in marriage, forever and all that crap, which means that I buy into better and worse, until death do us part. It is part of who I am and I am afraid that if I were to even for a second consider that I have another option, it will change fundamentally who I am. I will be cold, and loveless, jaded distant for the rest of my life. The problem with this is if he has turned into a terrible person that I don't want to spend time with, according to my own logic, I am bound to him regardless...which I think would also turn me fundamentally into a cold, loveless, jaded distant person.

My biggest thing is that I know myself and if I don't do everything I can to fix this, I will over think it and regret it for the rest of my life. He could just be in a really bad place and it is my duty (not to mention my word) to stick by him and try to help him for as long as I can. What happens if he just really needs me to be the one person that doesn't abandon him?

So back to the topic, if this issue with me trying to find work is all in my head, at least I know what it is now and perhaps that will help get past it and find a damn job. I have to tell myself to concentrate on the things I can control and that I have nothing to lose by getting a job...even if it doesn't fix things.

Tough'n It Out

I have been continuing to journal in my hard cover journal, not quite a frequently as I should but much more than I have over the last year. I still only hear from him sporadically and usually only about business stuff. I have drafted a very heartfelt, and honest letter that I plan to send in the next few days, along with a couple of recent photos of me. I don't think he is reading email (except at work, which seems to be the only place I can contact him), so while I still send him personal emails, texts and voicemails pretty regularly, I don't really expect to hear from him on those occasions. I really hope that this letter hits home with him and gets some kind of reaction out of him. I love him and miss him and don't understand the silence, the immaturity or why he is treating me so badly. None of it makes any sense.

I am still looking for work and trying to get back. I might have friends that might be in the area soon and that might make the whole thing easier for me. I hope that getting there will be one step closer to getting things back or at least get moving in a direction that isn't limbo.

Journaling

I started journaling in my regular hardbound journal again. I haven't written in it in a very long time (minus putting in a short note about a death in the family). I haven't wanted any of what I am going through right now to be in that journal and it was one of the things he made fun of me about before I left. Like I mentioned in my journal, I haven't stopped writing in general, I had just stopped writing there.

So last night, I picked it up again. I might not put anything in there specifically about what has happened this last year but at least I feel like I need to recap my days. I am reading the journal of someone else and that is what has inspired me to get back to mine. Even the mundane days are in need of recaping.

On another note, I did tell him I was coming back. He hasn't responded. I have been formulating a letter to him in my brain over the last few days since he is not responding to emails at all and I don't think his cell phone is turned on right now. I just want to give him a idea of where my brain is at, so hopefully we can be on the same page when I get there. Whether he is in agreement will be something to see, but I want to feel like I am being honest and forthcoming about everything.

Anyhow, I need to get going, have to get ready for bed and still need to write a bit in my journal.

Decisions And Outlook

I made up my mind a while back that I am headed back. I know that this has nothing (or very little) to do with me and is mostly something my husband is going through. It is something he has to go through on his own, but I feel like if my marriage is as important as I claim it is (and it is), then I owe it to myself, him and our marriage to try to be understanding and patient.

This does not mean I am planning to go be a doormat, but it does mean that I am not going to let anger get the best of me and cause me to make statements or decisions that would be detrimental to our relationship. I have plans for myself that he can be part of if he wants, but I am not going to be sitting around waiting for him to call me or see me. I will do the things I need to do, he will be invited to join me and the ball will be in his court.

I know that I contributed in a small way to this situation, and I am willing to own up to that and do what I can to fix it, but the majority of what is going on is due to stress, being apart too much, and what I think is a mid-life crisis on his part. All of this is workable...nothing has been broken (except my heart), and there is no reason we can't get past all of this.

I haven't figured out just yet if I am going to give him a big notice, small notice or no notice at all on my eminent return...all three have pros and cons. I am not a game player so my better judgement just says to be honest with him as things unfold and that is probably what I will do. There is a lot of logistics to be figured out but I am trying to think day by day and not let myself get bogged down in stuff I can't control right now.

So my focus is concentrate on the things I can control, and to do things that make me feel better (emotionally and physically). Yesterday I started on a plan to improve some phyical things that I know will help me feel better in general. It is all superficial stuff but sometimes that is the boost a person's self esteem needs to get the ball rolling and I am willing to do whatever I have to get our lives back on track.

I have realized in the last few days that even though I am the one that has been hurt the most, I am also the strongest. I am not giving up or taking the easy way out and if I have to hold onto our love for the both of us for the time being, I will.

Hurt

It has been a tough week, and it hurts a lot that I haven't heard from him. I don't know what has happened to him that he isn't the person I know and love right now because the one I know and love would make contact this week. It is hard to keep the faith, I feel my brain going in overdrive trying to figure out what he is thinking and I keep having to tell myself to "concentrate on what I can control". I want to give him this space and time to figure out whatever is going on with him, but I miss and love him so much, it is hard for me to keep the distance up.

He is the one I think of when something happens and want to share it. He is the one I dream of at night. He is the one that I have in my brain and in my heart every second of every day, and I HATE the distance....it is killing me a little bit everyday and I am not sure how many bits of me are left.

I saw a couple of pictures of myself from last weekend, and I look chubby and I hate it...I have to get on the stick with my eating...part of my brain (the body image distortion part of my brain) tells me to just stop eating for a few days and I'll lose the weight, and the other part (the smart part) tells me that if I stop eating, not only will I slow down my metabolism, I will also make myself suseptible to getting sick, and I can't afford to be sick right now. So I just need to up the workouts and limit the eating to low fat balanced foods. I can do that, I don't eat junk so it shouldn't be that hard...

I need to hit balls...going to be golfing with family in a few weeks and really need to get some practice in. It has been ages...partly because it is expensive and my finances are very tight, but also because it is something he and I do together and it will be hard to go do it on my own...although right now I do pretty much everything on my own, so I guess I should be used to it, but I am not.

Lastly, I miss her. I miss knowing she is here waiting for me, and I can't get the picture out of my brain of the last time I saw her. I don't believe in heaven but if I did, it would be for animals only...and I would hope that she would be there.

Figuring Things Out

It has been a while since I have written here.

So I am still living in a temporary life...not at my sister's anymore but still temporary. I actually am getting ready to head back and face the fact that nothing is going to be fixed as long as there is all this space. Another thing I need to change is the fact that I am not journaling at all. I am writing daily but none of it is journal as I think mentally, I just can't face writing about this in my journal.

I started reading this book that not only makes me feel like I am not the only one in the world going through this, it reaffirms my beliefs in the approach I am taking to this whole thing. I don't believe this is about me. This is about him and what he is going through. I believe in my marriage and my vows and I am not going to give up even if that means I have to look like a desparate fool. In the end, if we end up fixing things and happier than we have been in the past, it will have been worth it. I don't care what anyone else thinks, this is my life.

I am taking an exercise class to keep in shape, and two community ed classes to help with my job hunt and my desire to someday write something and get paid for it. These are not me moving on, they are just me trying to figure out the best way to become employed and get my life back. That is my goal...getting my life back...

What It Means

Little story I wrote and sent to him in the mail last month

On a beautiful sunny day in July of 1992, a man and a woman made a pledge in front of all their friends and family and whatever superior being there may or may not be, to love each other for the rest of their lives. They gave each other rings to symbolize this promise. They made this promise for the times with no money and for those with plenty. They made this promise for the amazing times ahead and for the rougher ones. They made this promise knowing that things would never be perfect but that together, they could get through anything. They knew that there would be times of sickness and times of health but that they would honor, cherish and love each other through it all. They did this because they loved each other, and they believed in that love and believed in each other. They believed in being partners for the rest of their lives, and knew that it wouldn't always be as easy as it was on that day, but that their love was once in a lifetime and that if they just trusted in that, they would be happy together forever even if sometimes is seemed like they wouldn't.

Years went by, and they did have times of no money, and sickness. They had times of loneliness and frustration. They moved around the world together, experiencing some amazing things while trading that with time near friends and family. They spent a lot of time apart because of career decisions, but they managed to stay connected in whatever way was possible. They each had to make hard choices and sacrifices to be together but it was worth it for the same reasons it was worth it on that beautiful day in July. Being together, even if it was only emotionally for a lot of the time, was worth all they had to give up because they loved each other and knew and trusted that they were partners in this crazy but amazing life.

As those years went by though, they also had great adventures and travels. They experienced things together that they didn't want or need to share with anyone else in the world. They also had times of health, and plenty of money. They had times where they could spend all day together doing everything or doing nothing. They talked about how lucky they were to have found each other. They made plans for their future together when they wouldn't have to spend so much time apart. They loved, and laughed, and enjoyed the life they had chosen together in spite of the sacrifices.

Many years down the road, something happened to the man. His job was requiring him to be away from the woman more than ever. His life started to have a lot of worries that he wasn't sharing with the woman anymore. They weren't communicating like they always had, working things out together. He started to feel like he was being taken advantage of by the woman and by the others in his life. He was not home very much so the man and the woman rarely had time to talk, love, laugh and reconnect like they had in the past. The man shut her out of his life emotionally.

She felt that he was moving away from her but didn't know how to fix it. She didn't want to make his life harder than it already was, especially when he was away so she kept things as normal as she could, riding out the tough time. She remembered all those things she promised on that day in July and knew that this was just one of those rough times they had promised to get through together. She waited, knowing that soon enough, they would have time together to love, laugh, experience, and get back to where they always had been in the past. She knew that he would share with her his worries and they would be able to get back to their amazing partnership soon. All she had to do was wait.

Suddenly their lives changed. The time she thought they would have together was gone. The man had shut her out of his heart and his head. He would not let her back in no matter how much she begged and pleaded with him. He would not talk to her. He gave her back his ring and broke her heart into a million pieces. He took all the things that she loved about him and hid them from her. He made fun of her, called her names and threatened to hurt her. He pushed her away from his heart so hard that she fell down a big black hole with no way out. She shattered.

She knew that some things were going on with him that he just wouldn't share with her. He was struggling with demons she just didn't know about. Perhaps something big had happened to him while he was away one time and it was something he was trying to bury deep inside of himself. Unfortunately it was not working, it was eating him up. Perhaps he was scared or worried about their future. Perhaps he saw himself growing older and wasn't ready for it. Perhaps he felt that by pushing the woman away, he was saving her from something he didn't want her to see, but what he didn't realize was that she made a promise, a promise for life to be there for him, to love him, to help him, to be his partner. She wasn't going to disappear, she wasn't going away…..she would be there for him. She would help him through whatever it was that he was going through. She would love him in spite of the way he broke her heart. She hoped with all her being that he could see this and that he would let her help him, love him, and be there for him. She had made a promise. So she wore their rings for the both of them, and she waited.