I guess things have changed a bit since the last time I posted here. I have moved to our house in our home town and am trying to fix things up (there was some damage) and get working. I don't know if it will help things with him or not, but it feels like the only "move" I can make that is good for me and doesn't feel like a step away from him or our life. I am barely treading water financially so I really need to get on the job thing as soon as possible.
Some things have happened recently that really have cemented in my head the fact that this is not about me but truly about him. He is detached from our whole family and I know he must be hurting and lonely but can't seem to get past whatever is going on with him to connect with any of us. I am trying to not get angry when the anger rises. I know I shouldn't take things personal either, but I do at times because it hurts so much to not have him communicating with me. He is my best friend and the only person I want to spend time with and it is just so hard some times.
I am very worried about him and his disconnection being a permanent thing but I can't control anything but my own actions. He has to want help from me (or someone) before anyone can help him. I know he is scared but he has to trust all of us that we are here for him and that whatever he is going through it not something that is going to drive any of us away from him.
So I guess things are basically the same emotionally but physically I am trying to better things for both of us.
23 August 2012
23 February 2012
18 February 2012
Wind
The wind has been taken out of my sails a little bit. I had this plan (even though I wasn't really moving on it) and now that plan is kind of shot to hell. I am not giving up, but I am pretty sure I am not moving to where he is, mostly because he won't be there, and because he might be moving soon too and that kind of limits me in how long I could be there and really get any kind of good work experience before having to quit and move. It just seems like it would be a waste of money to move there, and if he isn't going to be there either, than it is also a waste of time and experience options as well.
At least that is what my logical brain tells me and I wonder right now if my logical brain isn't the one I should be listening to. He said a few things on the phone which I am of course going over and over. One of them was "I thought you were stronger than this"...there is no good answer for this...because I feel like I am being strong by believing in him and believing in our marriage.
His callous, selfish, cocky personality is allowing him to convince himself of all kinds of crazy things, probably so he can sleep at night for all that he has done to me. I can't believe that he truly believes all the crap he says. It just blows me away when I think about some of it but then my insecure self hears some of it play over and over in my head to the point of believing that I am this pathetic, weak girl that can't live without him.
I can live without him...survive, but it isn't the life I planned for or want. I don't want a life with this angry, cocky, selfish person either. I know that this is not him...he is protecting himself from something and somehow I am the biggest victim. I can't believe that he truly doesn't know me better and that I don't know him better. He has rewritten history in his mind to justify his behavior but I don't buy that he really thinks any of this...it is a cover.
Thing is, there is nothing I can do to get him face this, or even try to change back to the person I know. He has to do this on his own and he has to want to do this. I can only focus on me and doing what I need to do at this point and hope that he knows (which I know he does) that I love him and believe in him and want him to be okay. I am his friend, always will be and he will always be the love of my life.
At least that is what my logical brain tells me and I wonder right now if my logical brain isn't the one I should be listening to. He said a few things on the phone which I am of course going over and over. One of them was "I thought you were stronger than this"...there is no good answer for this...because I feel like I am being strong by believing in him and believing in our marriage.
His callous, selfish, cocky personality is allowing him to convince himself of all kinds of crazy things, probably so he can sleep at night for all that he has done to me. I can't believe that he truly believes all the crap he says. It just blows me away when I think about some of it but then my insecure self hears some of it play over and over in my head to the point of believing that I am this pathetic, weak girl that can't live without him.
I can live without him...survive, but it isn't the life I planned for or want. I don't want a life with this angry, cocky, selfish person either. I know that this is not him...he is protecting himself from something and somehow I am the biggest victim. I can't believe that he truly doesn't know me better and that I don't know him better. He has rewritten history in his mind to justify his behavior but I don't buy that he really thinks any of this...it is a cover.
Thing is, there is nothing I can do to get him face this, or even try to change back to the person I know. He has to do this on his own and he has to want to do this. I can only focus on me and doing what I need to do at this point and hope that he knows (which I know he does) that I love him and believe in him and want him to be okay. I am his friend, always will be and he will always be the love of my life.
16 February 2012
Confusion
So, I actually talked to him on the phone yesterday for the first time in 18 months. I wasn't expecting him to answer the phone but he did, and we talked for a long time. He claims that he still doesn't love me and that he still wants to end our marriage and he is just waiting for me to tell him that I agree to sign papers, which I told him I won't do.
He wasn't cruel this time, like he was last time I spoke to him, but he wasn't friendly either. I asked him a lot of the questions I have been wanting to ask him for the last year, some of them he had answers for, and some he didn't. He still tried to put most of this on me but he also said that he changed. He said he didn't believe in a lot of the same things he used to believe in but when I asked him how come he didn't tell me any of this as it was happening to him he didn't have an answer. We didn't address any of the horrible things he said to me before I had to leave, but I know that the man I love has to be completely ashamed of what was said.
I asked him how he could just cut me out of his life like the last 20 years haven't happened, and he didn't have an answer for that either.
This conversation wasn't a surprise to me, I figured as much, even if I had seen him face to face. I knew that nothing would have changed with him because his behavior is still the stranger that our family doesn't know. I have no idea if this is a permanent condition for him...if the man I love is gone forever or not but I am not at a point where I can agree to end my marriage. It would just be too damaging for me as a person and I am just not there yet, but I think that I have decided that I am not going to pursue trying to help or fix him right now.
He told me he wasn't going to be around for the next few months and that after that, he would be gone for an extended trip so moving to where he is might just be a huge waste of money since I would only probably be there for a short period of time and then if he isn't there too, it kind of defeats part of the reason I would be going there. I haven't decided fully on that, but I am leaning towards that from our conversation yesterday. I don't know if I would even get to see him at all if I was there.
He says that he is 100% sure that our relationship is over. He doesn't have any of the feelings he should have as a husband for me and he just feels like he is better off alone. He thinks that marriage is just a financial partnership, and doesn't believe in any of the vows that come along with it any longer. He was very flippant about things like his words weren't cutting me deep. There were a couple of times though that I heard the old version of him in his voice and it made me miss him so much...he said at one time in the conversation, that he thought my hobbies would make my life full without him....who says that? Hobbies don't make a life!
Honestly, I don't believe any of the crap he said. I mean, I believe that he believes he doesn't have any feelings, but I still think that he is going through some kind of crisis. Whether he will come through this crisis as the honorable, loyal man full of integrity that I married is another question altogether. He sounded so cold and unfeeling about everything...saying something about that he doesn't want anything, just whatever he can fit in the bag he has there with him.
So, like I have been saying all along, I am going to focus on the things I can control. I am going to focus on me and doing what I have to make my life full and busy and try not to worry about him or think about him as much as I can. I am probably going to focus on getting work here or near our hometown perhaps, so that I don't waste a bunch of money moving to a new state.
Some of the scabs of the wounds he created are open again, and I feel sad, vulnerable and lonely...but I am trying to work through it and keep my eye on the big picture. For now, I am just going to sit back and wait...however, I think I am going to stop trying to communicate with him much other than financial business we have to do. My purpose for doing that was to keep my presence in his life, but I think that he doesn't notice it and if he is not in a place for a while where he can get phone calls or texts, then the contact with him will be very limited anyhow.
I still feel as if he is my one and only. I will never feel this way or allow myself to feel this way about another person....not when hurting like this is an option. I have not given up on him or our marriage, I am just reassessing my position on location and work.
He wasn't cruel this time, like he was last time I spoke to him, but he wasn't friendly either. I asked him a lot of the questions I have been wanting to ask him for the last year, some of them he had answers for, and some he didn't. He still tried to put most of this on me but he also said that he changed. He said he didn't believe in a lot of the same things he used to believe in but when I asked him how come he didn't tell me any of this as it was happening to him he didn't have an answer. We didn't address any of the horrible things he said to me before I had to leave, but I know that the man I love has to be completely ashamed of what was said.
I asked him how he could just cut me out of his life like the last 20 years haven't happened, and he didn't have an answer for that either.
This conversation wasn't a surprise to me, I figured as much, even if I had seen him face to face. I knew that nothing would have changed with him because his behavior is still the stranger that our family doesn't know. I have no idea if this is a permanent condition for him...if the man I love is gone forever or not but I am not at a point where I can agree to end my marriage. It would just be too damaging for me as a person and I am just not there yet, but I think that I have decided that I am not going to pursue trying to help or fix him right now.
He told me he wasn't going to be around for the next few months and that after that, he would be gone for an extended trip so moving to where he is might just be a huge waste of money since I would only probably be there for a short period of time and then if he isn't there too, it kind of defeats part of the reason I would be going there. I haven't decided fully on that, but I am leaning towards that from our conversation yesterday. I don't know if I would even get to see him at all if I was there.
He says that he is 100% sure that our relationship is over. He doesn't have any of the feelings he should have as a husband for me and he just feels like he is better off alone. He thinks that marriage is just a financial partnership, and doesn't believe in any of the vows that come along with it any longer. He was very flippant about things like his words weren't cutting me deep. There were a couple of times though that I heard the old version of him in his voice and it made me miss him so much...he said at one time in the conversation, that he thought my hobbies would make my life full without him....who says that? Hobbies don't make a life!
Honestly, I don't believe any of the crap he said. I mean, I believe that he believes he doesn't have any feelings, but I still think that he is going through some kind of crisis. Whether he will come through this crisis as the honorable, loyal man full of integrity that I married is another question altogether. He sounded so cold and unfeeling about everything...saying something about that he doesn't want anything, just whatever he can fit in the bag he has there with him.
So, like I have been saying all along, I am going to focus on the things I can control. I am going to focus on me and doing what I have to make my life full and busy and try not to worry about him or think about him as much as I can. I am probably going to focus on getting work here or near our hometown perhaps, so that I don't waste a bunch of money moving to a new state.
Some of the scabs of the wounds he created are open again, and I feel sad, vulnerable and lonely...but I am trying to work through it and keep my eye on the big picture. For now, I am just going to sit back and wait...however, I think I am going to stop trying to communicate with him much other than financial business we have to do. My purpose for doing that was to keep my presence in his life, but I think that he doesn't notice it and if he is not in a place for a while where he can get phone calls or texts, then the contact with him will be very limited anyhow.
I still feel as if he is my one and only. I will never feel this way or allow myself to feel this way about another person....not when hurting like this is an option. I have not given up on him or our marriage, I am just reassessing my position on location and work.
22 January 2012
Is It Possible?
I had an epiphany this morning. I have to wonder if my procrastination/hesitation/delay on finding a job is entirely tied to the fact that my husband's biggest claim for falling out of love with me was due to me being unemployed. I know in my heart that this is trivial crap that he was just throwing at me to hurt me, but I have to wonder if my head doesn't hold this in the back somewhere, and I am afraid that if I do get a job and he still acts like the person I don't know, that it is something more than just the unemployment....and I would have to face that. The other side of this is if I get a job and all of sudden he does a turn around, what does that say about our marriage? Do I want to be married to someone so shallow that all he cares about is if I work and stay skinny?
I truly believe that something is going on with him that has nothing to do with me, but that doesn't mean that it can be fixed or that the love of my life still exists inside of him. He could be changed into this person I don't know forever, which would suck. I talked to a good friend of mine for a long time the other night and it seems that I am in a catch 22.
I believe in marriage, forever and all that crap, which means that I buy into better and worse, until death do us part. It is part of who I am and I am afraid that if I were to even for a second consider that I have another option, it will change fundamentally who I am. I will be cold, and loveless, jaded distant for the rest of my life. The problem with this is if he has turned into a terrible person that I don't want to spend time with, according to my own logic, I am bound to him regardless...which I think would also turn me fundamentally into a cold, loveless, jaded distant person.
My biggest thing is that I know myself and if I don't do everything I can to fix this, I will over think it and regret it for the rest of my life. He could just be in a really bad place and it is my duty (not to mention my word) to stick by him and try to help him for as long as I can. What happens if he just really needs me to be the one person that doesn't abandon him?
So back to the topic, if this issue with me trying to find work is all in my head, at least I know what it is now and perhaps that will help get past it and find a damn job. I have to tell myself to concentrate on the things I can control and that I have nothing to lose by getting a job...even if it doesn't fix things.
I truly believe that something is going on with him that has nothing to do with me, but that doesn't mean that it can be fixed or that the love of my life still exists inside of him. He could be changed into this person I don't know forever, which would suck. I talked to a good friend of mine for a long time the other night and it seems that I am in a catch 22.
I believe in marriage, forever and all that crap, which means that I buy into better and worse, until death do us part. It is part of who I am and I am afraid that if I were to even for a second consider that I have another option, it will change fundamentally who I am. I will be cold, and loveless, jaded distant for the rest of my life. The problem with this is if he has turned into a terrible person that I don't want to spend time with, according to my own logic, I am bound to him regardless...which I think would also turn me fundamentally into a cold, loveless, jaded distant person.
My biggest thing is that I know myself and if I don't do everything I can to fix this, I will over think it and regret it for the rest of my life. He could just be in a really bad place and it is my duty (not to mention my word) to stick by him and try to help him for as long as I can. What happens if he just really needs me to be the one person that doesn't abandon him?
So back to the topic, if this issue with me trying to find work is all in my head, at least I know what it is now and perhaps that will help get past it and find a damn job. I have to tell myself to concentrate on the things I can control and that I have nothing to lose by getting a job...even if it doesn't fix things.
04 January 2012
Tough'n It Out
I have been continuing to journal in my hard cover journal, not quite a frequently as I should but much more than I have over the last year. I still only hear from him sporadically and usually only about business stuff. I have drafted a very heartfelt, and honest letter that I plan to send in the next few days, along with a couple of recent photos of me. I don't think he is reading email (except at work, which seems to be the only place I can contact him), so while I still send him personal emails, texts and voicemails pretty regularly, I don't really expect to hear from him on those occasions. I really hope that this letter hits home with him and gets some kind of reaction out of him. I love him and miss him and don't understand the silence, the immaturity or why he is treating me so badly. None of it makes any sense.
I am still looking for work and trying to get back. I might have friends that might be in the area soon and that might make the whole thing easier for me. I hope that getting there will be one step closer to getting things back or at least get moving in a direction that isn't limbo.
I am still looking for work and trying to get back. I might have friends that might be in the area soon and that might make the whole thing easier for me. I hope that getting there will be one step closer to getting things back or at least get moving in a direction that isn't limbo.
08 October 2011
Journaling
I started journaling in my regular hardbound journal again. I haven't written in it in a very long time (minus putting in a short note about a death in the family). I haven't wanted any of what I am going through right now to be in that journal and it was one of the things he made fun of me about before I left. Like I mentioned in my journal, I haven't stopped writing in general, I had just stopped writing there.
So last night, I picked it up again. I might not put anything in there specifically about what has happened this last year but at least I feel like I need to recap my days. I am reading the journal of someone else and that is what has inspired me to get back to mine. Even the mundane days are in need of recaping.
On another note, I did tell him I was coming back. He hasn't responded. I have been formulating a letter to him in my brain over the last few days since he is not responding to emails at all and I don't think his cell phone is turned on right now. I just want to give him a idea of where my brain is at, so hopefully we can be on the same page when I get there. Whether he is in agreement will be something to see, but I want to feel like I am being honest and forthcoming about everything.
Anyhow, I need to get going, have to get ready for bed and still need to write a bit in my journal.
So last night, I picked it up again. I might not put anything in there specifically about what has happened this last year but at least I feel like I need to recap my days. I am reading the journal of someone else and that is what has inspired me to get back to mine. Even the mundane days are in need of recaping.
On another note, I did tell him I was coming back. He hasn't responded. I have been formulating a letter to him in my brain over the last few days since he is not responding to emails at all and I don't think his cell phone is turned on right now. I just want to give him a idea of where my brain is at, so hopefully we can be on the same page when I get there. Whether he is in agreement will be something to see, but I want to feel like I am being honest and forthcoming about everything.
Anyhow, I need to get going, have to get ready for bed and still need to write a bit in my journal.
03 September 2011
Decisions And Outlook
I made up my mind a while back that I am headed back. I know that this has nothing (or very little) to do with me and is mostly something my husband is going through. It is something he has to go through on his own, but I feel like if my marriage is as important as I claim it is (and it is), then I owe it to myself, him and our marriage to try to be understanding and patient.
This does not mean I am planning to go be a doormat, but it does mean that I am not going to let anger get the best of me and cause me to make statements or decisions that would be detrimental to our relationship. I have plans for myself that he can be part of if he wants, but I am not going to be sitting around waiting for him to call me or see me. I will do the things I need to do, he will be invited to join me and the ball will be in his court.
I know that I contributed in a small way to this situation, and I am willing to own up to that and do what I can to fix it, but the majority of what is going on is due to stress, being apart too much, and what I think is a mid-life crisis on his part. All of this is workable...nothing has been broken (except my heart), and there is no reason we can't get past all of this.
I haven't figured out just yet if I am going to give him a big notice, small notice or no notice at all on my eminent return...all three have pros and cons. I am not a game player so my better judgement just says to be honest with him as things unfold and that is probably what I will do. There is a lot of logistics to be figured out but I am trying to think day by day and not let myself get bogged down in stuff I can't control right now.
So my focus is concentrate on the things I can control, and to do things that make me feel better (emotionally and physically). Yesterday I started on a plan to improve some phyical things that I know will help me feel better in general. It is all superficial stuff but sometimes that is the boost a person's self esteem needs to get the ball rolling and I am willing to do whatever I have to get our lives back on track.
I have realized in the last few days that even though I am the one that has been hurt the most, I am also the strongest. I am not giving up or taking the easy way out and if I have to hold onto our love for the both of us for the time being, I will.
This does not mean I am planning to go be a doormat, but it does mean that I am not going to let anger get the best of me and cause me to make statements or decisions that would be detrimental to our relationship. I have plans for myself that he can be part of if he wants, but I am not going to be sitting around waiting for him to call me or see me. I will do the things I need to do, he will be invited to join me and the ball will be in his court.
I know that I contributed in a small way to this situation, and I am willing to own up to that and do what I can to fix it, but the majority of what is going on is due to stress, being apart too much, and what I think is a mid-life crisis on his part. All of this is workable...nothing has been broken (except my heart), and there is no reason we can't get past all of this.
I haven't figured out just yet if I am going to give him a big notice, small notice or no notice at all on my eminent return...all three have pros and cons. I am not a game player so my better judgement just says to be honest with him as things unfold and that is probably what I will do. There is a lot of logistics to be figured out but I am trying to think day by day and not let myself get bogged down in stuff I can't control right now.
So my focus is concentrate on the things I can control, and to do things that make me feel better (emotionally and physically). Yesterday I started on a plan to improve some phyical things that I know will help me feel better in general. It is all superficial stuff but sometimes that is the boost a person's self esteem needs to get the ball rolling and I am willing to do whatever I have to get our lives back on track.
I have realized in the last few days that even though I am the one that has been hurt the most, I am also the strongest. I am not giving up or taking the easy way out and if I have to hold onto our love for the both of us for the time being, I will.
16 July 2011
Hurt
It has been a tough week, and it hurts a lot that I haven't heard from him. I don't know what has happened to him that he isn't the person I know and love right now because the one I know and love would make contact this week. It is hard to keep the faith, I feel my brain going in overdrive trying to figure out what he is thinking and I keep having to tell myself to "concentrate on what I can control". I want to give him this space and time to figure out whatever is going on with him, but I miss and love him so much, it is hard for me to keep the distance up.
He is the one I think of when something happens and want to share it. He is the one I dream of at night. He is the one that I have in my brain and in my heart every second of every day, and I HATE the distance....it is killing me a little bit everyday and I am not sure how many bits of me are left.
I saw a couple of pictures of myself from last weekend, and I look chubby and I hate it...I have to get on the stick with my eating...part of my brain (the body image distortion part of my brain) tells me to just stop eating for a few days and I'll lose the weight, and the other part (the smart part) tells me that if I stop eating, not only will I slow down my metabolism, I will also make myself suseptible to getting sick, and I can't afford to be sick right now. So I just need to up the workouts and limit the eating to low fat balanced foods. I can do that, I don't eat junk so it shouldn't be that hard...
I need to hit balls...going to be golfing with family in a few weeks and really need to get some practice in. It has been ages...partly because it is expensive and my finances are very tight, but also because it is something he and I do together and it will be hard to go do it on my own...although right now I do pretty much everything on my own, so I guess I should be used to it, but I am not.
Lastly, I miss her. I miss knowing she is here waiting for me, and I can't get the picture out of my brain of the last time I saw her. I don't believe in heaven but if I did, it would be for animals only...and I would hope that she would be there.
He is the one I think of when something happens and want to share it. He is the one I dream of at night. He is the one that I have in my brain and in my heart every second of every day, and I HATE the distance....it is killing me a little bit everyday and I am not sure how many bits of me are left.
I saw a couple of pictures of myself from last weekend, and I look chubby and I hate it...I have to get on the stick with my eating...part of my brain (the body image distortion part of my brain) tells me to just stop eating for a few days and I'll lose the weight, and the other part (the smart part) tells me that if I stop eating, not only will I slow down my metabolism, I will also make myself suseptible to getting sick, and I can't afford to be sick right now. So I just need to up the workouts and limit the eating to low fat balanced foods. I can do that, I don't eat junk so it shouldn't be that hard...
I need to hit balls...going to be golfing with family in a few weeks and really need to get some practice in. It has been ages...partly because it is expensive and my finances are very tight, but also because it is something he and I do together and it will be hard to go do it on my own...although right now I do pretty much everything on my own, so I guess I should be used to it, but I am not.
Lastly, I miss her. I miss knowing she is here waiting for me, and I can't get the picture out of my brain of the last time I saw her. I don't believe in heaven but if I did, it would be for animals only...and I would hope that she would be there.
30 June 2011
Figuring Things Out
It has been a while since I have written here.
So I am still living in a temporary life...not at my sister's anymore but still temporary. I actually am getting ready to head back and face the fact that nothing is going to be fixed as long as there is all this space. Another thing I need to change is the fact that I am not journaling at all. I am writing daily but none of it is journal as I think mentally, I just can't face writing about this in my journal.
I started reading this book that not only makes me feel like I am not the only one in the world going through this, it reaffirms my beliefs in the approach I am taking to this whole thing. I don't believe this is about me. This is about him and what he is going through. I believe in my marriage and my vows and I am not going to give up even if that means I have to look like a desparate fool. In the end, if we end up fixing things and happier than we have been in the past, it will have been worth it. I don't care what anyone else thinks, this is my life.
I am taking an exercise class to keep in shape, and two community ed classes to help with my job hunt and my desire to someday write something and get paid for it. These are not me moving on, they are just me trying to figure out the best way to become employed and get my life back. That is my goal...getting my life back...
So I am still living in a temporary life...not at my sister's anymore but still temporary. I actually am getting ready to head back and face the fact that nothing is going to be fixed as long as there is all this space. Another thing I need to change is the fact that I am not journaling at all. I am writing daily but none of it is journal as I think mentally, I just can't face writing about this in my journal.
I started reading this book that not only makes me feel like I am not the only one in the world going through this, it reaffirms my beliefs in the approach I am taking to this whole thing. I don't believe this is about me. This is about him and what he is going through. I believe in my marriage and my vows and I am not going to give up even if that means I have to look like a desparate fool. In the end, if we end up fixing things and happier than we have been in the past, it will have been worth it. I don't care what anyone else thinks, this is my life.
I am taking an exercise class to keep in shape, and two community ed classes to help with my job hunt and my desire to someday write something and get paid for it. These are not me moving on, they are just me trying to figure out the best way to become employed and get my life back. That is my goal...getting my life back...
28 February 2011
What It Means
Little story I wrote and sent to him in the mail last month
On a beautiful sunny day in July of 1992, a man and a woman made a pledge in front of all their friends and family and whatever superior being there may or may not be, to love each other for the rest of their lives. They gave each other rings to symbolize this promise. They made this promise for the times with no money and for those with plenty. They made this promise for the amazing times ahead and for the rougher ones. They made this promise knowing that things would never be perfect but that together, they could get through anything. They knew that there would be times of sickness and times of health but that they would honor, cherish and love each other through it all. They did this because they loved each other, and they believed in that love and believed in each other. They believed in being partners for the rest of their lives, and knew that it wouldn't always be as easy as it was on that day, but that their love was once in a lifetime and that if they just trusted in that, they would be happy together forever even if sometimes is seemed like they wouldn't.
Years went by, and they did have times of no money, and sickness. They had times of loneliness and frustration. They moved around the world together, experiencing some amazing things while trading that with time near friends and family. They spent a lot of time apart because of career decisions, but they managed to stay connected in whatever way was possible. They each had to make hard choices and sacrifices to be together but it was worth it for the same reasons it was worth it on that beautiful day in July. Being together, even if it was only emotionally for a lot of the time, was worth all they had to give up because they loved each other and knew and trusted that they were partners in this crazy but amazing life.
As those years went by though, they also had great adventures and travels. They experienced things together that they didn't want or need to share with anyone else in the world. They also had times of health, and plenty of money. They had times where they could spend all day together doing everything or doing nothing. They talked about how lucky they were to have found each other. They made plans for their future together when they wouldn't have to spend so much time apart. They loved, and laughed, and enjoyed the life they had chosen together in spite of the sacrifices.
Many years down the road, something happened to the man. His job was requiring him to be away from the woman more than ever. His life started to have a lot of worries that he wasn't sharing with the woman anymore. They weren't communicating like they always had, working things out together. He started to feel like he was being taken advantage of by the woman and by the others in his life. He was not home very much so the man and the woman rarely had time to talk, love, laugh and reconnect like they had in the past. The man shut her out of his life emotionally.
She felt that he was moving away from her but didn't know how to fix it. She didn't want to make his life harder than it already was, especially when he was away so she kept things as normal as she could, riding out the tough time. She remembered all those things she promised on that day in July and knew that this was just one of those rough times they had promised to get through together. She waited, knowing that soon enough, they would have time together to love, laugh, experience, and get back to where they always had been in the past. She knew that he would share with her his worries and they would be able to get back to their amazing partnership soon. All she had to do was wait.
Suddenly their lives changed. The time she thought they would have together was gone. The man had shut her out of his heart and his head. He would not let her back in no matter how much she begged and pleaded with him. He would not talk to her. He gave her back his ring and broke her heart into a million pieces. He took all the things that she loved about him and hid them from her. He made fun of her, called her names and threatened to hurt her. He pushed her away from his heart so hard that she fell down a big black hole with no way out. She shattered.
She knew that some things were going on with him that he just wouldn't share with her. He was struggling with demons she just didn't know about. Perhaps something big had happened to him while he was away one time and it was something he was trying to bury deep inside of himself. Unfortunately it was not working, it was eating him up. Perhaps he was scared or worried about their future. Perhaps he saw himself growing older and wasn't ready for it. Perhaps he felt that by pushing the woman away, he was saving her from something he didn't want her to see, but what he didn't realize was that she made a promise, a promise for life to be there for him, to love him, to help him, to be his partner. She wasn't going to disappear, she wasn't going away…..she would be there for him. She would help him through whatever it was that he was going through. She would love him in spite of the way he broke her heart. She hoped with all her being that he could see this and that he would let her help him, love him, and be there for him. She had made a promise. So she wore their rings for the both of them, and she waited.
On a beautiful sunny day in July of 1992, a man and a woman made a pledge in front of all their friends and family and whatever superior being there may or may not be, to love each other for the rest of their lives. They gave each other rings to symbolize this promise. They made this promise for the times with no money and for those with plenty. They made this promise for the amazing times ahead and for the rougher ones. They made this promise knowing that things would never be perfect but that together, they could get through anything. They knew that there would be times of sickness and times of health but that they would honor, cherish and love each other through it all. They did this because they loved each other, and they believed in that love and believed in each other. They believed in being partners for the rest of their lives, and knew that it wouldn't always be as easy as it was on that day, but that their love was once in a lifetime and that if they just trusted in that, they would be happy together forever even if sometimes is seemed like they wouldn't.
Years went by, and they did have times of no money, and sickness. They had times of loneliness and frustration. They moved around the world together, experiencing some amazing things while trading that with time near friends and family. They spent a lot of time apart because of career decisions, but they managed to stay connected in whatever way was possible. They each had to make hard choices and sacrifices to be together but it was worth it for the same reasons it was worth it on that beautiful day in July. Being together, even if it was only emotionally for a lot of the time, was worth all they had to give up because they loved each other and knew and trusted that they were partners in this crazy but amazing life.
As those years went by though, they also had great adventures and travels. They experienced things together that they didn't want or need to share with anyone else in the world. They also had times of health, and plenty of money. They had times where they could spend all day together doing everything or doing nothing. They talked about how lucky they were to have found each other. They made plans for their future together when they wouldn't have to spend so much time apart. They loved, and laughed, and enjoyed the life they had chosen together in spite of the sacrifices.
Many years down the road, something happened to the man. His job was requiring him to be away from the woman more than ever. His life started to have a lot of worries that he wasn't sharing with the woman anymore. They weren't communicating like they always had, working things out together. He started to feel like he was being taken advantage of by the woman and by the others in his life. He was not home very much so the man and the woman rarely had time to talk, love, laugh and reconnect like they had in the past. The man shut her out of his life emotionally.
She felt that he was moving away from her but didn't know how to fix it. She didn't want to make his life harder than it already was, especially when he was away so she kept things as normal as she could, riding out the tough time. She remembered all those things she promised on that day in July and knew that this was just one of those rough times they had promised to get through together. She waited, knowing that soon enough, they would have time together to love, laugh, experience, and get back to where they always had been in the past. She knew that he would share with her his worries and they would be able to get back to their amazing partnership soon. All she had to do was wait.
Suddenly their lives changed. The time she thought they would have together was gone. The man had shut her out of his heart and his head. He would not let her back in no matter how much she begged and pleaded with him. He would not talk to her. He gave her back his ring and broke her heart into a million pieces. He took all the things that she loved about him and hid them from her. He made fun of her, called her names and threatened to hurt her. He pushed her away from his heart so hard that she fell down a big black hole with no way out. She shattered.
She knew that some things were going on with him that he just wouldn't share with her. He was struggling with demons she just didn't know about. Perhaps something big had happened to him while he was away one time and it was something he was trying to bury deep inside of himself. Unfortunately it was not working, it was eating him up. Perhaps he was scared or worried about their future. Perhaps he saw himself growing older and wasn't ready for it. Perhaps he felt that by pushing the woman away, he was saving her from something he didn't want her to see, but what he didn't realize was that she made a promise, a promise for life to be there for him, to love him, to help him, to be his partner. She wasn't going to disappear, she wasn't going away…..she would be there for him. She would help him through whatever it was that he was going through. She would love him in spite of the way he broke her heart. She hoped with all her being that he could see this and that he would let her help him, love him, and be there for him. She had made a promise. So she wore their rings for the both of them, and she waited.
30 November 2010
Two Month Update
Well it has been two months now that we have been apart. Each day kills me a bit...I am starting to wonder if I will just run out eventually. My birthday and Thanksgiving have both passed without a word from him. I sent him a birthday card, several emails, and two text messages in the last month just trying to reconnect. No one in his family is in contact with him though, so I know that it is not just me.
I want him to be happy but I don't think he is any happier right now than he was with me there...and now he has no one to talk to. I feel helpless and just want to help him and help us get back to where we used to be but I don't know if he will ever let that happen. I am planning to send a regular letter to him tomorrow...just a friendly note...that is all I am doing these days, although I do still remind him that I love him.
The hurt hasn't gone away, I think I am just better at dealing with it right now, sort of like how I had to become better at dealing with spending most of my married life on my own. It isn't easier, you just learn to cope
So many of my friends are going through similar situatinos that I can't let myself lose hope...I just have to believe in the promises we made and the love that we have shared and know that we can find our way back to that if we try. I just need to get him to start communicating.
I want him to be happy but I don't think he is any happier right now than he was with me there...and now he has no one to talk to. I feel helpless and just want to help him and help us get back to where we used to be but I don't know if he will ever let that happen. I am planning to send a regular letter to him tomorrow...just a friendly note...that is all I am doing these days, although I do still remind him that I love him.
The hurt hasn't gone away, I think I am just better at dealing with it right now, sort of like how I had to become better at dealing with spending most of my married life on my own. It isn't easier, you just learn to cope
So many of my friends are going through similar situatinos that I can't let myself lose hope...I just have to believe in the promises we made and the love that we have shared and know that we can find our way back to that if we try. I just need to get him to start communicating.
10 October 2010
Three Weeks
So I have been here over three weeks now...in fact tomorrow will mark the beginning of week 4. I was forced to email him this past week to let him know the status of our stuff, and because I didn't just want to send a "business" email, I took the opportunity to put myself out there a bit. I was honest about how I feel and what I want to see us do but who knows if he will hear me or even respond.
I got a second email from the shippers about our stuff and still hadn't heard from him so I asked them to put the stuff in storage for now. I hope he will contact me soon with whatever the plans are since they were very vague when I left.
I have just started to get my mail from the old post office, so I should be getting the box that has my keys in it and I can finally get my truck. Last weekend we went down to see my mom so we could help her get some things done. She needed some technical support and then some physical laborers...so we did both. I think we relieved a lot of stress for both her and her husband (who is in the middle of going through chemo and radiation) by knocking some things out and it was nice to see them both since I haven't seen either of them for 3 years.
We are probably going to try to visit our dad this coming weekend as well...which will be nice too.
I am still completely stuck and devastated. I cry pretty much every day and I don't see that changing any time soon. I had a bit of a panic attack the other day because I am really not sure I can survive this or if I even want to. I can't imagine being alone for the rest of my life, and I can't believe how foolish I was to believe him that he was going to be with me forever and not ever hurt me like he just has.
I got a second email from the shippers about our stuff and still hadn't heard from him so I asked them to put the stuff in storage for now. I hope he will contact me soon with whatever the plans are since they were very vague when I left.
I have just started to get my mail from the old post office, so I should be getting the box that has my keys in it and I can finally get my truck. Last weekend we went down to see my mom so we could help her get some things done. She needed some technical support and then some physical laborers...so we did both. I think we relieved a lot of stress for both her and her husband (who is in the middle of going through chemo and radiation) by knocking some things out and it was nice to see them both since I haven't seen either of them for 3 years.
We are probably going to try to visit our dad this coming weekend as well...which will be nice too.
I am still completely stuck and devastated. I cry pretty much every day and I don't see that changing any time soon. I had a bit of a panic attack the other day because I am really not sure I can survive this or if I even want to. I can't imagine being alone for the rest of my life, and I can't believe how foolish I was to believe him that he was going to be with me forever and not ever hurt me like he just has.
27 September 2010
Two Weeks
Yesterday marked my two weeks here. The last few days have been pretty hard for me. I had to contact our old post office today to find out why my mail hasn't been forwarded yet. They hadn't received the change of address form yet but were able to do it over the phone so all the mail on hold left there today. This means I should have vehicle keys soon and need to find out how I need to go about getting it back on the road after being stored for so long.
I have not heard from him since last week when he was letting me know that he was sending me some boxes. I have updated my closest friends on my status and I have talked to his mom. Everyone is still completely shocked as I am.
I keep hearing of other friends that are going through the same thing as me, so I am starting to think this is an epidemic that needs to addressed, but who knows if it will be. I know that half of our issues stem from the fact that he was gone so much and we have just not had time to be a family and communicate like normal.
I have not heard from him since last week when he was letting me know that he was sending me some boxes. I have updated my closest friends on my status and I have talked to his mom. Everyone is still completely shocked as I am.
I keep hearing of other friends that are going through the same thing as me, so I am starting to think this is an epidemic that needs to addressed, but who knows if it will be. I know that half of our issues stem from the fact that he was gone so much and we have just not had time to be a family and communicate like normal.
25 September 2010
Feeling Bad
I feel really crappy today. My stomach is upset and I am not motivated in any kind of way to do the things I need to do. I just want to sit on the steps out front with the sun hitting my face and try not to think about what a terrible turn my life seems to have made. I don't know how to fix tihs, I don't know if it is fixable and if it even is fixable, would he even cooperate.
I am putting things away from the boxes he sent me this week. A lot of it is summer clothes, because silly me, I thought I was going to be living in a tropical climate since I wasn't even warned that I was going to be voted off. Sometimes I am really mad at him because it feels like he made this incredibly rash decision without even talking to me or giving me a chance. I don't know what to even say to him if he were to call and talk to me (which we know he won't because he doesn't even think of me when I am not around and he dreads even having to be in the same room with me). I don't know where to go from here and I am just fumbling around.
Staying busy is key but this unpacking just makes me heart sick because it feels like I am here for the long haul once I start unpacking. I am getting ready to put totes with summer clothes and suitcases down in the garage and it just feels so bad.
I hurt so deep inside of me that sometimes I can push it down so it doesn't show on the surface but I know that I am fundamentally damaged at this point and it will show in my eyes forever.
I am putting things away from the boxes he sent me this week. A lot of it is summer clothes, because silly me, I thought I was going to be living in a tropical climate since I wasn't even warned that I was going to be voted off. Sometimes I am really mad at him because it feels like he made this incredibly rash decision without even talking to me or giving me a chance. I don't know what to even say to him if he were to call and talk to me (which we know he won't because he doesn't even think of me when I am not around and he dreads even having to be in the same room with me). I don't know where to go from here and I am just fumbling around.
Staying busy is key but this unpacking just makes me heart sick because it feels like I am here for the long haul once I start unpacking. I am getting ready to put totes with summer clothes and suitcases down in the garage and it just feels so bad.
I hurt so deep inside of me that sometimes I can push it down so it doesn't show on the surface but I know that I am fundamentally damaged at this point and it will show in my eyes forever.
24 September 2010
Boxes
Well 6 boxes arrived today...feels so permanent, but I am telling myself that it is not. Things still have time to turn around. I miss him so much, the old him, not this new version that seems to find being in the same room with me disgusting.
I spoke with my aunt yesterday and she said I need to remain his friend, make sure he knows that I am still there for him. I have told him this repeatedly and when he does send me the business-like emails, I always write back that I love him and that I want to work on things. I am done trying to figure out what to say and feel, I am just being myself and telling him what I want or need. He can deal with how he reacts to that. I can only control my side of things....it is up to him to figure out his side. I feel like I spent the last year making excuses for why he wasn't communicating with me and keeping things to myself and I am done with that. If I want him to know something, I am just telling him, and I am not done fighting for my marriage.
I love the man he is inside. I miss his smile.
I spoke with my aunt yesterday and she said I need to remain his friend, make sure he knows that I am still there for him. I have told him this repeatedly and when he does send me the business-like emails, I always write back that I love him and that I want to work on things. I am done trying to figure out what to say and feel, I am just being myself and telling him what I want or need. He can deal with how he reacts to that. I can only control my side of things....it is up to him to figure out his side. I feel like I spent the last year making excuses for why he wasn't communicating with me and keeping things to myself and I am done with that. If I want him to know something, I am just telling him, and I am not done fighting for my marriage.
I love the man he is inside. I miss his smile.
21 September 2010
Forward Against My Will
Yesterday I got an email from him that he is sending some boxes with some of our stuff in it. I have no idea what is really going to show up and just reading the email made me cry. It is cold and unfeeling and so different from the man I married.
I know he is probably just trying to make sure I have the things I might need but it just feels like he is trying to push me out even more and that hurts. It hasn't even been a week that I have been gone but he is still going down a road I don't want to go on, and I feel helpless. I hate feeling like I am out of control of my life. It makes me want to stop eating again because it is one of the only things in my control right now.
I know he is probably just trying to make sure I have the things I might need but it just feels like he is trying to push me out even more and that hurts. It hasn't even been a week that I have been gone but he is still going down a road I don't want to go on, and I feel helpless. I hate feeling like I am out of control of my life. It makes me want to stop eating again because it is one of the only things in my control right now.
17 September 2010
First Contact
So tonight, I come up to go to bed and I have the first email from him since I have left. I managed to make it without being the first to contact but all he wanted to know was my mailing address and if I had transferred some money. He didn't even sign the emails. I answered him but I also didn't pull any punches. I am through worrying about if I look desperate or not...no games for me. I just wanted him to know that I love him and that I want him to give us a chance to work things out, so I told him just that. If he doesn't like it, I guess he will tell me or just not email anymore but it was my only option to tell him without being the one to instigate the emails.
I feel so torn...going back and forth in my head, and it is killing me. I am crying myself to sleep every night still but am staying busy enough during the day, I can get through most of it without breaking down. I am stuck though...no choices to be made because each one feels like a permanent decision. I don't want to make any permanent decisions right now. I want to be back with him working things out. I want my friend back, I want my love back. Why is he making this so hard? Why can't he give us a chance to work things out?
I keep replaying all the bad things he said to me to get me to leave...and I don't want to remember those things. I don't want them stuck in my head forever. I know he said most of them in the heat of the moment and didn't mean them, just wanted me to go. I feel like I should have stayed but I think if I had, it would have gotten a lot worse so I am not sure. I am so unsure of so much right now, and I hate feeling this way.
My friends and family have all been really great...but I can't tell the story anymore right now...it is just too heartwrenching for me. I love him and want us back to the way we were before. I don't know if that is achievable or not. He is not contributing and I don't know if there is a lot I can do if he just doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I can stall as long as I want...and I will until I know for sure there is no hope. I am wearing both of our wedding rings now since he gave me his. It is my small way of keeping our marriage alive in my heart and head. I know he doesn't see it or feel it but I hope that something still reaches him.
I feel so torn...going back and forth in my head, and it is killing me. I am crying myself to sleep every night still but am staying busy enough during the day, I can get through most of it without breaking down. I am stuck though...no choices to be made because each one feels like a permanent decision. I don't want to make any permanent decisions right now. I want to be back with him working things out. I want my friend back, I want my love back. Why is he making this so hard? Why can't he give us a chance to work things out?
I keep replaying all the bad things he said to me to get me to leave...and I don't want to remember those things. I don't want them stuck in my head forever. I know he said most of them in the heat of the moment and didn't mean them, just wanted me to go. I feel like I should have stayed but I think if I had, it would have gotten a lot worse so I am not sure. I am so unsure of so much right now, and I hate feeling this way.
My friends and family have all been really great...but I can't tell the story anymore right now...it is just too heartwrenching for me. I love him and want us back to the way we were before. I don't know if that is achievable or not. He is not contributing and I don't know if there is a lot I can do if he just doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I can stall as long as I want...and I will until I know for sure there is no hope. I am wearing both of our wedding rings now since he gave me his. It is my small way of keeping our marriage alive in my heart and head. I know he doesn't see it or feel it but I hope that something still reaches him.
14 September 2010
Oceans Apart
So I am sitting at my sister's house where she and her husband have graciously taken me in for the time being. I am still not eating much, have already lost quite a few pounds. I just can't do it...I am not hungry and somehow when I am hungry the pain kind of is the only thing that makes me feel alive.
I couldn't stay any longer where we were. He didn't want me there. He frankly told me that if I didn't leave it was only going to get worse. I am hoping that somehow he will see that I am not the cause of his unhappiness right now. If he would let me in, I could help him deal with whatever it is that is causing him to hate his life so much. I am not giving up on my marriage. In fact, getting on the plane to come back here was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I probably couldn't have done it if my sister had not come because even the day of the flight, I wanted to just stay in bed and cry.
I wrote him a letter before I left the hotel the night before I left the state, so he would know that I still love him and have always loved him. That I wish he would give us a chance to fix whatever it is that is causing this huge gap between us. I also wrote him some notes that I read to him on the way to the airport so that he would know that my coming here was not to be taken as me giving in to this situation but just a chance for us to try some space. I told him I didn't want a divorce and that I was there for him if he needed me. I also asked him not to be afraid to come back to me even after all this hurt if he realizes that he has made a mistake. He is still my one and only. I love him (the man inside of him that I married) with all my heart, and I know that he can come back to me if he just will deal with the issues that are haunting him.
For those friends and family that know, I have asked them not to think harshly of him even though they know what he is doing is killing me. I still love him and I still want to make this work. He is the love of my life.
I am not feeling any better about this and it feels like I am just on a visit right now...I don't want to make any decisions that might make me feel like I am making a permanent decision. I had to get some clothes today at the store because it is becoming cool here and I wasn't packed for cool since I thought I was going to be in another state for the next few years.
I am so numb right now and heartbroken. I feel like I am stuck in cement. Thankfully my sister has been keeping me busy and their hospitality has assured me that I am in no rush to figure anything out just now. I hope that I can be back with him in short time but I don't know how that will work if he won't talk to anyone. I am hoping to be able to email a friend that might have some answers for me. I don't know what else to do.
I couldn't stay any longer where we were. He didn't want me there. He frankly told me that if I didn't leave it was only going to get worse. I am hoping that somehow he will see that I am not the cause of his unhappiness right now. If he would let me in, I could help him deal with whatever it is that is causing him to hate his life so much. I am not giving up on my marriage. In fact, getting on the plane to come back here was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I probably couldn't have done it if my sister had not come because even the day of the flight, I wanted to just stay in bed and cry.
I wrote him a letter before I left the hotel the night before I left the state, so he would know that I still love him and have always loved him. That I wish he would give us a chance to fix whatever it is that is causing this huge gap between us. I also wrote him some notes that I read to him on the way to the airport so that he would know that my coming here was not to be taken as me giving in to this situation but just a chance for us to try some space. I told him I didn't want a divorce and that I was there for him if he needed me. I also asked him not to be afraid to come back to me even after all this hurt if he realizes that he has made a mistake. He is still my one and only. I love him (the man inside of him that I married) with all my heart, and I know that he can come back to me if he just will deal with the issues that are haunting him.
For those friends and family that know, I have asked them not to think harshly of him even though they know what he is doing is killing me. I still love him and I still want to make this work. He is the love of my life.
I am not feeling any better about this and it feels like I am just on a visit right now...I don't want to make any decisions that might make me feel like I am making a permanent decision. I had to get some clothes today at the store because it is becoming cool here and I wasn't packed for cool since I thought I was going to be in another state for the next few years.
I am so numb right now and heartbroken. I feel like I am stuck in cement. Thankfully my sister has been keeping me busy and their hospitality has assured me that I am in no rush to figure anything out just now. I hope that I can be back with him in short time but I don't know how that will work if he won't talk to anyone. I am hoping to be able to email a friend that might have some answers for me. I don't know what else to do.
10 September 2010
Its Over?
Last night after getting ready for bed, he dropped the big bomb on me. He wants to end our marriage of 18 years and without a bat of the eye. I couldn't get hold of any of my friends today after I cried all night long with him snoozing next to me because he doesn't seem to care a bit that he is killing a little bit of me each minute. I ended up having to call my mom and sister and both of them are heartbroken for me. My sister wants to get on a plane and come here as soon as she can. I think I might need her help to get out of here with the cat. Leaving seems so real though, and making that step is going to be hard for me....at that point, he will feel like a single guy again...and I will be the farthest thing from his mind.
I IMd with his mom this evening before he got home and she is shocked and I am sure most of his side of the family knows now. She said his Dad did the same thing to her and that I shouldn't trust him to take care of me financially. At this point, I don't know how much to trust him at all....I know the boy I fell in love with is hidden down somewhere inside of him....he keeps putting this all on me. Says I am not the girl he thought he was marrying...afraid to travel, not willing to have a career, not interested in athletics....I beg to differ....I have been playing soccer with active leagues until 3 years ago when we moved this last time. My career has always been difficult since he has a career that requires us to move frequently and then he is not home much so I have to take care of everything on my own. Lastly, I am not afraid to travel...I have developed in the last few years a bit of travel anxiety but I have some medication I take on those days and I am fine...he just doesn't want to admit that any of this is his fault...it is all me for some reason.
I feel like I am stuck....laid all day curled in bed with no food or water, just waking up to cry for a bit and then back to sleep. I can't function. If my sister comes out, I guess that will get me moving. We talked about how to split out our savings tonight but he is not wanting to help take care of me for a the months that we will still be married. I also told him that I don't want to be divorced...I am not sure if I can keep us from being divorced. I will agree to a legal separation at this point but I am not willing to get divorced right now....I hope I have some way to do that. I guess I won't be able to find out until I am back in my home state.
It makes me sad that my family and his family all think badly of him now but he brought this onto himself and the fact that he is just claiming that he doesn't love me anymore because I am not the same girl he thought I was marrying, doesn't wash for me. It has been almost 20 years since we were first married and of course we are both going to change. The fact that he wants to blame me for all of it is so typical. I talked to a friend on the phone this morning and he said for me to keep it in my brain that this is not my fault...it has been happening to lots of families he deals with and they all say the same thing...
I IMd with his mom this evening before he got home and she is shocked and I am sure most of his side of the family knows now. She said his Dad did the same thing to her and that I shouldn't trust him to take care of me financially. At this point, I don't know how much to trust him at all....I know the boy I fell in love with is hidden down somewhere inside of him....he keeps putting this all on me. Says I am not the girl he thought he was marrying...afraid to travel, not willing to have a career, not interested in athletics....I beg to differ....I have been playing soccer with active leagues until 3 years ago when we moved this last time. My career has always been difficult since he has a career that requires us to move frequently and then he is not home much so I have to take care of everything on my own. Lastly, I am not afraid to travel...I have developed in the last few years a bit of travel anxiety but I have some medication I take on those days and I am fine...he just doesn't want to admit that any of this is his fault...it is all me for some reason.
I feel like I am stuck....laid all day curled in bed with no food or water, just waking up to cry for a bit and then back to sleep. I can't function. If my sister comes out, I guess that will get me moving. We talked about how to split out our savings tonight but he is not wanting to help take care of me for a the months that we will still be married. I also told him that I don't want to be divorced...I am not sure if I can keep us from being divorced. I will agree to a legal separation at this point but I am not willing to get divorced right now....I hope I have some way to do that. I guess I won't be able to find out until I am back in my home state.
It makes me sad that my family and his family all think badly of him now but he brought this onto himself and the fact that he is just claiming that he doesn't love me anymore because I am not the same girl he thought I was marrying, doesn't wash for me. It has been almost 20 years since we were first married and of course we are both going to change. The fact that he wants to blame me for all of it is so typical. I talked to a friend on the phone this morning and he said for me to keep it in my brain that this is not my fault...it has been happening to lots of families he deals with and they all say the same thing...
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